May Angel Star

Archive for the ‘Reflections’ Category

I have been struggling lately.

My emotions an insane rollercoaster.

Each day, hour, minute, second has me on a different section of track.

Climbing.

Falling.

Loop-de-loops.

Eyes shut tight.

Eyes wide open.

Laughing.

Smiling.

Screaming.

Two questions have been asked in love:

Am I fully willing to release my agenda, even if it means the death of a dream, and entrust myself to God’s agenda?

Am I fully willing to entrust myself to Brian and his leadership as God’s representative for my life path?

My sinful need for control wants to completely dismiss these challenges.

I want off this emotional rollercoaster.

But….

My ultimate desire is to take these questions and fully examine my heart and where it lines up with God.

Brokenness always leads me to Christ.

So bring on the pain.

I want to grow in Him.

Above all else, guard your heart,

for it is the wellspring of life.

Proverbs 4:23

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People choose to show emotions or hide them.

Regardless of what people do with them, emotions happen.

God has emotions and we were created in His image.

It makes sense that we would have them also.

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“The Lord was grieved that he had made man on the earth and his heart was filled with pain.”

Genesis 6:6

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“I am a woman who is deeply troubled; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord.”

Hannah in 1 Samuel 1:15

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“Be angry and do not sin.”

Paul in Ephesians 4:26

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It’s okay to have emotions.

They are in the Bible and there is no rebuke for them.

Some emotions move us towards God and people.

These are constructive feelings.

Conversely, other emotions isolate us from God and people.

Those are destructive.

There are no right or wrong emotions.

Feelings should be examined and reflected upon to get to the core of what they are and why they are.

What are the motives behind them?

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I have this association that heartache of any type is bad.

I steer away from it.

I bend over backwards to eliminate the threat of it.

I hide my emotions more often than not.

Trained myself not to go there.

Not to let the pain in or out.

Though it would burst forth from me anyway.

In the form of anger, bitterness and impatience.

Usually directed towards people who did not deserve it.

My husband.

My children.

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I have very few relationships where I fully let my guard down.

One very important relationship, where I did share openly and honestly in all matters of my heart, has abruptly ended.

My heart ached and I wanted to do anything and everything to get the relationship back.

At one point, I stopped and examined my heart and my motives.

I found something I did not like.

Something that I had never noticed previously.

I was depending on the relationship more than I was depending on Jesus.

I prayed for closure and repentance.

I prayed for my broken heart and my former friends heart to be healed.

I believe the Lord listened and answered my prayers.

At least on my end.

I realized that I had choices I needed to make.

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I’m going to choose not to isolate and distance myself from God.

I’m going to choose to remain open and honest and lean on friends and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

I’m choosing a soft heart over a bitter heart.

There is no joy in a life that feels like it has no choice.

I choose to feel.

I choose to share those emotions.

I choose to believe that Jesus is my Lord and Savior.

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It’s okay to feel pain.

I need to absorb it, reflect on it and grow from it.

Grow closer to Him.

This is one of my favorite commercials.

I have been quoting it at random times throughout the last couple of weeks.

I wish that I could chew Orbit gum and it would give me not just a clean mouth, but clean thoughts.

I had overwhelming “I’m such a horrible mom!” thoughts this evening.

Tomorrow are the Valentine’s parties at school. I thought ahead enough to have the girls make their valentine’s this year. They put them together during the snow day on Wednesday. I didn’t think ahead enough to have them do their boxes/bags. I thought we had bags left over from last year.

I thought wrong.

I pulled it off. Found plain red bags from Christmas, gave the girls heart cut-outs to glue one. Put their names on with stickers. They turned out cute.

But not cute enough for the self-loathing to completely dwindle away to non-existence.

Something I have had a lot of trouble with since becoming a mom.

For every one uplifting thought I have, 10 self-esteem bashing thoughts replace it.

Orbitz gum might not be able to help me, but I know someone who can.

I just need to take a step in His direction.

Today has just been an emotional rollercoaster, well the last few days have been that way.

I am completely hormonal, so watch out, I am not a good person to be around right now, I might kill you by accident!

I usually don’t feel this unstable, but right now my panties are in a bunch.

I sobbed as I hung the girls clothes up tonight, complete despair had overtaken me.

I felt so out of control.

I kept thinking that if I only had this one perfect gift, it would make everything right again.

My rose colored glasses were pushed out of place, because today I saw that gift would only bring more chaos.

I want to be a shiny happy person, not a deranged psycho!

This will pass, my crazy hormones will cycle through, making way to a nicer, more stable me.

God is good.

He is faithful.

I have a choice.

I choose Him.