Archive for the ‘Reflections’ Category

I woke up and took some Claritin because my nose was a mix between stuffed and dripping and my throat had a tickle, that small little itchy feeling that may mean allergies or something worse coming, like the flu.

The medicine made me feel wonky, super lethargic and on more than one occasion I felt like my mind was traveling outside of my body, a truly bizarre feeling.

Katie was home from school on the mend from the stomach flu.

Alex still had a bit of a cough from being sick last week.

I did the bare minimum today.

I did not take a shower.

I stretched out in bed and read Matched by Ally Condie. When I say read, I mean it. Cover to to cover. It was good. It was better than good, it was great. I have a special place in my heart for dystopian novels.

I got breakfast (dry honey-nut cheerios and fruit bars), snacks and lunch (peanut butter sandwiches for the kids, Healthy Choice steam meal for me with a Christmas rice crispy appetizer and dessert) when requested.

I did the potty training thing with Alex, and barely grumbled when he pooped his pants, thankfully only once today.

The other day I told Brian that there was no justice for an ill woman.

When I am sick, I am supposed to keep the household running and take care of all the responsibilities of raising three kids.

When he is sick, he stays home from work and sleeps away the day in the quiet comfort of our room.

Where is the fairness?

I have heard from other mothers that this is the case in their households as well.

Sick and still expected to be Super Woman. Super Mom.

Do we place that expectation on ourselves or does society?

I wasn’t on my deathbed today, but I did feel out of sorts.

I let it all go.

I took a break.

The house wasn’t the cleanest.

The laundry made it to the dryer and stayed there.

Brian picked up dinner after Brianna’s basketball practice.

There were hugs in abundance and a lot of teary “I love yous” when I thought about how thankful I am for my husband. My children. Claritin makes me emotional too?

I did not fake it with a smile plastered on my face and bitterness wrapped around my heart.

I was not Super Woman today.

And you know what?

The world.

My world.

Did not end.

And my family.

They still loved me.

Our hands intertwined, my large ivory dress, with scarlet trim barely allowing me in the seat as the band started playing. A crumpled damp tissue clenched in my fist, I dabbed my eyes for the hundredth time as I tried to keep the mascara in place. My heart was swollen, still overwhelmed by Brian’s declaration of love. I had cried in front of all of our family and friends, something I never ever would have voluntarily done. Tears were for the shower, when you were alone and the cascading water could drown out the sobs and wash them away down the drain never to be mentioned again. I had been caught off guard, not by the speech, I knew it was planned, what I did not know was the words that would come from deep within his heart, exposed for all to hear, intimate and crafted with care. Never spoken at our first wedding, generic and thrown together within a couple of weeks, filled with regret and sadness. This time, five years later, meaning so much more than our first vows ever would. Our faith came through with every word. God was the center of our marriage now and forever more, the renewal of our vows a testament to what He had done in our lives.  It was important to us, that our girls and our family and friends know our hearts and see the declaration of our souls back to Him, and our love to one another.

You stood before creation

Eternity within Your hand

You spoke the earth into motion

My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure

Carried the Cross for my shame

My sin weighed upon Your shoulders

My soul now to stand

I sang, whisper soft, letting the words wash over me, through me. They penetrated my heart, the events of the day settling in, growing outward in the form of a smile. My hand enclosed in Brian’s, sweaty and familiar.

So what can I say

What can I do

But offer this heart O God

Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation

Your Spirit alive in me

This life to declare Your promise

My soul now to stand

So what can I say

What can I do

But offer this heart O God

Completely to You

So I'll stand

With arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the One who gave it all

I bolted out of my chair, eyes, scrunched shut, the tears streamed. My voice came out loud and strong from deep inside. Our hands no longer clasped, now outstretched upwards toward the heavens. I swayed, cradled by the music, the love I had for Him. He had given me the great gift of Brian I love this man and our two girls Precious beyond belief. I was absolutely in love, filled to the brim with emotions, they churned inside yet with peace and understanding. Thankfulness.

So I'll stand

My soul Lord to You surrendered

All I am is Yours

Everyone, everything melted completely away.

Just me.

Just Him.

I believe.

Immense joy swelled within my heart.

So what can I say

What can I do

But offer this heart O God

Completely to You

This post was written for the prompt over at The Red Dress Club.

That’s right!

I feel good.

No, better than good.

Fantabulous.

So what if I made that word up, it fits and it sums up exactly how I feel right now.

I am on Week 3 of the 10 Week Fitness Challenge and I nailed all my points today. I even did an extra 20 minute workout on my abs, which is my huge problem area.

I made it through week 1 with flying colors. I got 44 points out of a possible 47, my fat jeans became loose around my middle and I lost 4lbs!

Amazing right?!

Then came Week 2 and I made some not so good choices. 33 points out of 47, my fat jeans still loose and I could pull up my skinny jeans, just nowhere close to being able to zip and button them up and I lost 1lb. I was slightly disappointed, but I also had A LOT going on with the puking kiddos. My husband pointed out that week 2 is the hardest week on the Biggest Loser and I should be proud of my accomplishments, which made me feel better about my progress. It is what it is.

All in all, I am pretty darn proud of myself.

I’m doing it.

I’m following through with a commitment and there are tangible results because of it.

I am a rockstar!

What have you done lately that has made you proud?

I’ve been bombarded with talk of fresh starts, resolutions, new goals and even anti-goals since the start of the new year. I myself have reflected and shared along those lines here and here. I said that I wanted to make changes, be more open and honest in a way I have never been before. Not in real life. Not here on my blog. To “unwrap” myself to find the person underneath all those layers of relational compliance I have hid under for so long.

I’m frightened of getting thin and healthy and of never getting pregnant again and having another baby.

I was a girl of indecision, unless it was right then in the moment and I wanted something… badly.. NOW. Everything I did was decided by my mood. I was either the social party girl trying to get everyone together or I was locked away in my dark room, listening to Hurt by Nine Inch Nails or Korn on repeat ruminating negative thinking and suicidal thoughts while playing solitaire. Drawing blood with a safety pin on my index finger, so no one would notice and call me on it, to kill some of the emotional pain. Side note: Self harm is never the answer. It never truly makes the pain go away.

What changed in me?

I got knocked up.

No seriously, an unplanned pregnancy with my best friend and on and off again boyfriend depending on my mood, who later ended up my husband.

I was still moody, but somehow being pregnant and then becoming a mother helped to tame that side of me. I have had my ups and downs, been to therapy, a psychiatrist, been on meds for bipolar disorder in between pregnancies when I started to feel out of control again.

I fear being thin and healthy for when I am that high social butterfly. I’m afraid I will lose track of what I have and just flit away into the world leaving everything I love dearly behind until I crash and realize what I’ve done. I don’t ever want to do anything to hurt my husband or family and being frumpy has been my way of trying to control that.

I fear not having another baby. I have always wanted 4 children, that was my magic number. My inspiration and hero has always been my Nana, who passed away right after Brianna was born. I’ve tried to be her in every way possible. I want a big family. But I’m trying to figure out why I want another child. To be like Nana? To please the family who loves the fact that I’m following in her footsteps? To keep me focused and trapped as main caregiver for the next 5 years to keep me calmed down?

And perhaps all this is in my head. All these preconceived notions of my jumping off the deep end and the reasons for me not doing it is because I am truly changed and not just because I’m fat and a mother. That I can control the mildness of my bipolar disorder by getting help when it starts to spin out of control even if I am thin and don’t have another baby.

I’m not sure.

I want to make the right decisions and I don’t want to keep locking myself in the darkness afraid of what I may or may not do.

I want to have a baby for all the right reasons, not because I am fearful of if I don’t.

I don’t want to hold onto all this garbage.

Can’t I be free?