Archive for the ‘Reflections’ Category

The girls played basketball this winter for their school league. Wednesday night practices and Saturday morning games. Two very different girls, two very different games to watch.

I was proud of Brianna, as always a head taller than her teammates,  passing the ball, giving others a chance to score, when she could take it down herself with no contest. 40+ point games and she would score half of those points on her own. In the zone and loving the game.

I was proud of Katie’s quick pace, her willingness to dribble, strangely left-handed, and try to shoot when she had the chance. I cheered loud and clear when she scored her first basket!

The basketball awards were held last night. The teams were all introduced on the stage to upbeat music, clapping and cheering. A basketball entertainer, funny, mesmerizing to watch as well as sharing the message of Christ, it is a Christian school and league. Then came some special awards for most Christ-like referee, coach, and player in each age group/gender, nominated by players and parents.

Brianna received the honor for 3rd grade girls, she went up on stage and smiled broadly accepting her award.

My heart soared and I clapped with a beaming smile on my face and a quiet whisper entered my heart, This will hurt Katie.

We separated, Alex and Brian off to get Brianna and I to Katie.

Each child received a basketball award and Katie smiled, meekly for the one picture she allowed me to take of her team.

As I led her out to the lobby to meet up with the rest of the family, her small hand in mine, I heard her tiny voice, “Why did Brianna get to go on stage and not me?”

“What did you say?” I stalled, my heart breaking at my sensitive little girl’s sadness, her sister being a shining star, again, and Katie feeling not good enough, not-included.

“Nevermind.” She whispered.

Not the oldest who outperforms at just about everything she tries.

Not the youngest, the baby too cute to do wrong and an all-star at sports at such a young age.

Just the middle.

With a tiny voice.

Feeling insignificant.

And I’m scared…

She is 6 and already shows signs of a crushed little spirit.

I don’t want her to feel that way.

Ever.

I do what I can to build her up.

But what if it’s not enough…

 

I woke up and took some Claritin because my nose was a mix between stuffed and dripping and my throat had a tickle, that small little itchy feeling that may mean allergies or something worse coming, like the flu.

The medicine made me feel wonky, super lethargic and on more than one occasion I felt like my mind was traveling outside of my body, a truly bizarre feeling.

Katie was home from school on the mend from the stomach flu.

Alex still had a bit of a cough from being sick last week.

I did the bare minimum today.

I did not take a shower.

I stretched out in bed and read Matched by Ally Condie. When I say read, I mean it. Cover to to cover. It was good. It was better than good, it was great. I have a special place in my heart for dystopian novels.

I got breakfast (dry honey-nut cheerios and fruit bars), snacks and lunch (peanut butter sandwiches for the kids, Healthy Choice steam meal for me with a Christmas rice crispy appetizer and dessert) when requested.

I did the potty training thing with Alex, and barely grumbled when he pooped his pants, thankfully only once today.

The other day I told Brian that there was no justice for an ill woman.

When I am sick, I am supposed to keep the household running and take care of all the responsibilities of raising three kids.

When he is sick, he stays home from work and sleeps away the day in the quiet comfort of our room.

Where is the fairness?

I have heard from other mothers that this is the case in their households as well.

Sick and still expected to be Super Woman. Super Mom.

Do we place that expectation on ourselves or does society?

I wasn’t on my deathbed today, but I did feel out of sorts.

I let it all go.

I took a break.

The house wasn’t the cleanest.

The laundry made it to the dryer and stayed there.

Brian picked up dinner after Brianna’s basketball practice.

There were hugs in abundance and a lot of teary “I love yous” when I thought about how thankful I am for my husband. My children. Claritin makes me emotional too?

I did not fake it with a smile plastered on my face and bitterness wrapped around my heart.

I was not Super Woman today.

And you know what?

The world.

My world.

Did not end.

And my family.

They still loved me.

Our hands intertwined, my large ivory dress, with scarlet trim barely allowing me in the seat as the band started playing. A crumpled damp tissue clenched in my fist, I dabbed my eyes for the hundredth time as I tried to keep the mascara in place. My heart was swollen, still overwhelmed by Brian’s declaration of love. I had cried in front of all of our family and friends, something I never ever would have voluntarily done. Tears were for the shower, when you were alone and the cascading water could drown out the sobs and wash them away down the drain never to be mentioned again. I had been caught off guard, not by the speech, I knew it was planned, what I did not know was the words that would come from deep within his heart, exposed for all to hear, intimate and crafted with care. Never spoken at our first wedding, generic and thrown together within a couple of weeks, filled with regret and sadness. This time, five years later, meaning so much more than our first vows ever would. Our faith came through with every word. God was the center of our marriage now and forever more, the renewal of our vows a testament to what He had done in our lives.  It was important to us, that our girls and our family and friends know our hearts and see the declaration of our souls back to Him, and our love to one another.

You stood before creation

Eternity within Your hand

You spoke the earth into motion

My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure

Carried the Cross for my shame

My sin weighed upon Your shoulders

My soul now to stand

I sang, whisper soft, letting the words wash over me, through me. They penetrated my heart, the events of the day settling in, growing outward in the form of a smile. My hand enclosed in Brian’s, sweaty and familiar.

So what can I say

What can I do

But offer this heart O God

Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation

Your Spirit alive in me

This life to declare Your promise

My soul now to stand

So what can I say

What can I do

But offer this heart O God

Completely to You

So I'll stand

With arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the One who gave it all

I bolted out of my chair, eyes, scrunched shut, the tears streamed. My voice came out loud and strong from deep inside. Our hands no longer clasped, now outstretched upwards toward the heavens. I swayed, cradled by the music, the love I had for Him. He had given me the great gift of Brian I love this man and our two girls Precious beyond belief. I was absolutely in love, filled to the brim with emotions, they churned inside yet with peace and understanding. Thankfulness.

So I'll stand

My soul Lord to You surrendered

All I am is Yours

Everyone, everything melted completely away.

Just me.

Just Him.

I believe.

Immense joy swelled within my heart.

So what can I say

What can I do

But offer this heart O God

Completely to You

This post was written for the prompt over at The Red Dress Club.

That’s right!

I feel good.

No, better than good.

Fantabulous.

So what if I made that word up, it fits and it sums up exactly how I feel right now.

I am on Week 3 of the 10 Week Fitness Challenge and I nailed all my points today. I even did an extra 20 minute workout on my abs, which is my huge problem area.

I made it through week 1 with flying colors. I got 44 points out of a possible 47, my fat jeans became loose around my middle and I lost 4lbs!

Amazing right?!

Then came Week 2 and I made some not so good choices. 33 points out of 47, my fat jeans still loose and I could pull up my skinny jeans, just nowhere close to being able to zip and button them up and I lost 1lb. I was slightly disappointed, but I also had A LOT going on with the puking kiddos. My husband pointed out that week 2 is the hardest week on the Biggest Loser and I should be proud of my accomplishments, which made me feel better about my progress. It is what it is.

All in all, I am pretty darn proud of myself.

I’m doing it.

I’m following through with a commitment and there are tangible results because of it.

I am a rockstar!

What have you done lately that has made you proud?