Archive for the ‘Unwrapped’ Category

Now that we have gotten just about everything in personal care switched to non-toxic..

I found a “0″ toothpaste (Tom’s of Maine at Trader Joes)!

I started on a new path.. reading the labels on the food we eat.. gasp… what a concept, right?

I’ve dabbled in this before, but never the extent that I am now.

I’ve been buying organic and actually focusing on the ingredient labels and I’m not buying what’s not natural.

It’s amazing how lovely food can taste when it’s fresh and preservative free.

Even the children noticed the difference in their snacks and have embraced the change whole-heartedly.

I’m not necessarily a fan of the cost, but I’ve been buying things on sale.

Above all I think it’s worth it.

Good for our bodies.

Good for the environment.

You can’t really go wrong.

I’ve been bombarded with talk of fresh starts, resolutions, new goals and even anti-goals since the start of the new year. I myself have reflected and shared along those lines here and here. I said that I wanted to make changes, be more open and honest in a way I have never been before. Not in real life. Not here on my blog. To “unwrap” myself to find the person underneath all those layers of relational compliance I have hid under for so long.

I’m frightened of getting thin and healthy and of never getting pregnant again and having another baby.

I was a girl of indecision, unless it was right then in the moment and I wanted something… badly.. NOW. Everything I did was decided by my mood. I was either the social party girl trying to get everyone together or I was locked away in my dark room, listening to Hurt by Nine Inch Nails or Korn on repeat ruminating negative thinking and suicidal thoughts while playing solitaire. Drawing blood with a safety pin on my index finger, so no one would notice and call me on it, to kill some of the emotional pain. Side note: Self harm is never the answer. It never truly makes the pain go away.

What changed in me?

I got knocked up.

No seriously, an unplanned pregnancy with my best friend and on and off again boyfriend depending on my mood, who later ended up my husband.

I was still moody, but somehow being pregnant and then becoming a mother helped to tame that side of me. I have had my ups and downs, been to therapy, a psychiatrist, been on meds for bipolar disorder in between pregnancies when I started to feel out of control again.

I fear being thin and healthy for when I am that high social butterfly. I’m afraid I will lose track of what I have and just flit away into the world leaving everything I love dearly behind until I crash and realize what I’ve done. I don’t ever want to do anything to hurt my husband or family and being frumpy has been my way of trying to control that.

I fear not having another baby. I have always wanted 4 children, that was my magic number. My inspiration and hero has always been my Nana, who passed away right after Brianna was born. I’ve tried to be her in every way possible. I want a big family. But I’m trying to figure out why I want another child. To be like Nana? To please the family who loves the fact that I’m following in her footsteps? To keep me focused and trapped as main caregiver for the next 5 years to keep me calmed down?

And perhaps all this is in my head. All these preconceived notions of my jumping off the deep end and the reasons for me not doing it is because I am truly changed and not just because I’m fat and a mother. That I can control the mildness of my bipolar disorder by getting help when it starts to spin out of control even if I am thin and don’t have another baby.

I’m not sure.

I want to make the right decisions and I don’t want to keep locking myself in the darkness afraid of what I may or may not do.

I want to have a baby for all the right reasons, not because I am fearful of if I don’t.

I don’t want to hold onto all this garbage.

Can’t I be free?

Today I start a 10 week fitness challenge that Mrs. over at Becoming Versed is hosting.

The rules:

#1 – EXERCISE 6 DAYS A WEEK (elevated heart rate, at least 30 minutes – if you have to split it up throughout the day, that’s fine – but shoot for doing it all at once)

#2 – NO MORE THAN 1 SERVING OF DESSERT A WEEK  (Valentine’s  Day and 1 day of your choice are FREE days!)

#3 – NO SODA/SUGARY DRINKS – not Diet, not anything! Water is your friend!  100% fruit juice IN MODERATION is okay- I would say no more than 4 to 6 ounces per day.

#4 – NO EATING AFTER  7:30PM

#5 – READING AT LEAST ONE CHAPTER OF SCRIPTURE PER DAY (If you are not Christian, please read (15 minutes) whatever book that makes you want to be a better person!)

#6 – WEEKLY CHALLENGE (will change each week)

Did you see that, only 1 dessert a week!!! I’m a sugar junkie, what am I going to do?!

I know that it is going to be good for me and that my body will thank me while I’m complying with the rules, but that king size Milkyway chocolate bar is just sitting in the fruit basket calling my name…

No, I will be strong! I’ve been doing far too much damage to my body for awhile now. This 10 week challenge will hold me accountable and help me reach my ultimate goal of losing some of the weight I’ve packed on since being pregnant with Alex.. ahem.. 2 years ago.

Yeah, lots to “unwrap” here!

I can do it.

I will do it.

Sign me up!