The girls played basketball this winter for their school league. Wednesday night practices and Saturday morning games. Two very different girls, two very different games to watch.

I was proud of Brianna, as always a head taller than her teammates,  passing the ball, giving others a chance to score, when she could take it down herself with no contest. 40+ point games and she would score half of those points on her own. In the zone and loving the game.

I was proud of Katie’s quick pace, her willingness to dribble, strangely left-handed, and try to shoot when she had the chance. I cheered loud and clear when she scored her first basket!

The basketball awards were held last night. The teams were all introduced on the stage to upbeat music, clapping and cheering. A basketball entertainer, funny, mesmerizing to watch as well as sharing the message of Christ, it is a Christian school and league. Then came some special awards for most Christ-like referee, coach, and player in each age group/gender, nominated by players and parents.

Brianna received the honor for 3rd grade girls, she went up on stage and smiled broadly accepting her award.

My heart soared and I clapped with a beaming smile on my face and a quiet whisper entered my heart, This will hurt Katie.

We separated, Alex and Brian off to get Brianna and I to Katie.

Each child received a basketball award and Katie smiled, meekly for the one picture she allowed me to take of her team.

As I led her out to the lobby to meet up with the rest of the family, her small hand in mine, I heard her tiny voice, “Why did Brianna get to go on stage and not me?”

“What did you say?” I stalled, my heart breaking at my sensitive little girl’s sadness, her sister being a shining star, again, and Katie feeling not good enough, not-included.

“Nevermind.” She whispered.

Not the oldest who outperforms at just about everything she tries.

Not the youngest, the baby too cute to do wrong and an all-star at sports at such a young age.

Just the middle.

With a tiny voice.

Feeling insignificant.

And I’m scared…

She is 6 and already shows signs of a crushed little spirit.

I don’t want her to feel that way.

Ever.

I do what I can to build her up.

But what if it’s not enough…

 

I had every intention of blogging this week. I’m not really sure what happened, every time I opened up a new post the cursor would sit there, silently blinking, mocking my lack of inspiration.

Not all was lost, I managed to post on a blog, just not this one. Five new items, 4 pairs of shoes and 1 pair of longies, are now up at May Angel Star Crochet. I’m working on more shoes, they are seriously adorable.

I caught up on the last 5 episodes of The Vampire Diaries. I forgot how much I love the character of Damon. Now I have to wait until April to see more.

Also, the show V is amazing, it’s kept me on my toes. I like that.

My weekend is incredibly busy, so I’m most likely going to stick with being quiet, especially since I am in a crochet mood.

This is the kind of week that scheduled posts would work wonders for me. Problem is I only like posting in the moment. I like sharing what I feel right then, not days or weeks later when the feelings aren’t the same….

This is the first time I’ve blogged from my phone. My fingers are starting to go numb, stupid carpal tunnel.

Off to bed I go.

Good night all!

The prompt, “Water gives life.” or “Water takes it away.”

I blew the 600 word count.

It is what it is.

Forgive me.

_________________________________________________________________________

The sun glinted off the crystal clear blue water. It blinded her deep chocolate eyes. She quickly lowered the large plastic mask onto her face, covered her eyes and nose, its suction tight against her tawny skin. One of the black rubber fins rubbed against her toe with every kick of her foot, the friction uncomfortable.

She placed the snorkel in her mouth, took a few practiced breaths and placed her face into the water, it slapped at her ears, muffled chatter and laughter, her breaths loud and raspy in her head, a perfect seal. Teams of fish, silvery bright, darted through coral of different shades and textures. Stunning. She lifted her face from the water, popped the snorkel out of her mouth to speak.

“Isn’t this fabulous?” Her vision blurred from the dive mask, but his light gray swim shirt buzzed dark brown hair and the bright red sunburn of his forehead gave Deklan away.

“Did you see that baby shark?” He pointed excitedly over near the rock face of the island, sheer and dark, next to the buoyed lines that marked the perimeter of the snorkel site.

“I’m going to go look. I told you snorkeling was going to be amazing here.”

She placed the black rubber into her mouth, trying to block out the taste of chewed tires and swam over to try and find the shark. She couldn’t see it, so many brilliantly colored fish, but no shark. She popped to the surface to tread water, took the tube out of her mouth to breathe the fresh air. Her feet strained against the fins, her arms felt heavy and tired already.

“I’m tired, going to head back to the boat.” She called to him.

“Already?”

“You know I don’t swim that well!”

Snorkel in mouth, she plunged under the surface, one last look at the fish as she made her way towards the side of the boat. She kicked her legs together, as if she were a mermaid and smiled inwardly. She remembered doing the same when she was a young girl in her grandparent’s pool during the summer.

She climbed aboard the ship, the metal ladder made more difficult as the unforgiving fins slapped against each rung. A sun-kissed Maui native grabbed her hand to help her up.

“Thanks.” Her radiant smile caused him to smile back.

“Done already?” He asked, his tone playful.

“I don’t swim very well and this fin is killing my toe!” She pointed at her left foot and grimaced, more for show, though it did hurt.

“I can get you a different pair of fins and we have plenty of noodles if you want one.”

She flip-flopped over to an open seat and took off the fins to reveal an angry red cut edged in white wrinkled skin, rubbed raw on the small toe next to her big one.

“Ouch, that hurts. Let me get you a band-aid.” His abs perfection, he went to get the first-aid kit.

“Thanks.” She looked down at her perfect cleavage and smiled. Thankful she wore the scarlet swimsuit. It suited the boobs. It didn’t hurt to look sexy.

He brought over a new set of fins and antiseptic. It burned as he placed it on the jagged cut before he covered it with the band-aid.

“We’re leaving here soon and going over to see if we can find some sea turtles. The water is choppier there, you should bring a noodle if you go out.”

“Thanks for the tip and the band-aid.” She winked at him.

“No problem.” He smiled back and then left her on the side of the ship, against the railing. She watched the others in the group make their way back to the boat and the fish dart around underneath the water as the sun beat down upon her shoulders.

“Hey beautiful!” Deklan’s arms wrapped around her from behind, his wet swim shirt cooled her baked skin.

“Did you enjoy yourself?” The boat picked up speed, away from Molokini in the direction of darker waters.

“I’ve never seen anything like this, it’s truly amazing.” He kissed the nape of her neck and they watched the plush green island on the horizon become closer, the water sprayed white as it boat cut through it.

“I might sit this one out.” She stifled a yawn.

“Are you sure you want to miss the turtles?” He frowned slightly.

She sighed as the boat came to a stop and dropped anchor at the new location.

“No, I don’t want to miss it.” She put the new fins on, her toe still tender beneath the rubber and grabbed her dive mask and snorkel as the crew warned the group about the choppier water.

Deklan got in first as one of the crew tried to hand her a noodle to float on. She declined with the knowledge that she wouldn’t be in the water for long and made the awkward climb down the ladder and into the salty sea.

Her mask in place she swam towards him but the water was much rougher than she anticipated. Waves slapped, crested around her, the sea rolled beneath her as she struggled toward Deklan.

Her arms and legs fought against the water, to keep her afloat as she paddled like a dog towards him, exhausted after a few minutes she stopped to tread water and gain her bearings.

She was equidistant between Deklan and the boat and the more she tread, her limbs felt heavy and sluggish, the waves pushed her against her will. He was oblivious to her predicament as he searched the water for turtles, enthralled with the experience.

I’m going to drown.

She started again towards the boat and cursed herself for not heeding the advice of the sexy crewmember. She should have gotten a noodle.

Her muscles strained against the water, her breath ragged in her ears, the snorkel still in place and yet it seemed as though she made no progress at all.

She slipped under the sea, water clogged her snorkel, she held her breath as the panic settled deep inside her chest, her heart pumped in rapid succession, charged with adrenaline and fear.

She surfaced.

Spit the harsh rubber from her mouth, ripped the mask from her face and gulped in the precious air, her arms circled the water, each arc reached toward the boat as her fins pushed against the water, the cut on her toe throbbed, her muscles ached.

She slipped under again, caught by surprise.

Her eyes shut tight against the water. It filled her nose. Her mouth shut tight too late, swallowed salt water, choked on it, the bubbles escaped to freedom at the surface.

A freedom she had lost.

I woke up and took some Claritin because my nose was a mix between stuffed and dripping and my throat had a tickle, that small little itchy feeling that may mean allergies or something worse coming, like the flu.

The medicine made me feel wonky, super lethargic and on more than one occasion I felt like my mind was traveling outside of my body, a truly bizarre feeling.

Katie was home from school on the mend from the stomach flu.

Alex still had a bit of a cough from being sick last week.

I did the bare minimum today.

I did not take a shower.

I stretched out in bed and read Matched by Ally Condie. When I say read, I mean it. Cover to to cover. It was good. It was better than good, it was great. I have a special place in my heart for dystopian novels.

I got breakfast (dry honey-nut cheerios and fruit bars), snacks and lunch (peanut butter sandwiches for the kids, Healthy Choice steam meal for me with a Christmas rice crispy appetizer and dessert) when requested.

I did the potty training thing with Alex, and barely grumbled when he pooped his pants, thankfully only once today.

The other day I told Brian that there was no justice for an ill woman.

When I am sick, I am supposed to keep the household running and take care of all the responsibilities of raising three kids.

When he is sick, he stays home from work and sleeps away the day in the quiet comfort of our room.

Where is the fairness?

I have heard from other mothers that this is the case in their households as well.

Sick and still expected to be Super Woman. Super Mom.

Do we place that expectation on ourselves or does society?

I wasn’t on my deathbed today, but I did feel out of sorts.

I let it all go.

I took a break.

The house wasn’t the cleanest.

The laundry made it to the dryer and stayed there.

Brian picked up dinner after Brianna’s basketball practice.

There were hugs in abundance and a lot of teary “I love yous” when I thought about how thankful I am for my husband. My children. Claritin makes me emotional too?

I did not fake it with a smile plastered on my face and bitterness wrapped around my heart.

I was not Super Woman today.

And you know what?

The world.

My world.

Did not end.

And my family.

They still loved me.