Posts Tagged ‘Set Free’

I started going in a different direction than I originally planned. Change is good. If you didn’t read the first two installments you can find them here: Set Free #1 and Set Free #2. Enjoy. -V

Sirens screamed. My brain fogged overwhelmed with the noise. I was jostled, poked and prodded. My stomach churned at the movement of what I guessed could only be an ambulance. My eyes fluttered open slowly. Ryan, face pale with worry and silent tears that coursed down his hard features, held my hand as he watched the medical professionals do their work. I felt sick. The weight of what happened crushed my chest and the mask that pushed oxygen to help me breathe did the opposite. I couldn’t breathe, the small space of the ambulance closed in on me and I couldn’t take the stupid mask off my face because my arms were strapped down.

“Take it off!” I yelled, muffled by the soft plastic of the mask. I tried to move which only resulted in feeling worse as my head thrashed back and forth. “Take off the mask!”

“Calm down Beth.” The EMT closest to me said as he lifted the mask up off my face. I gasped at the stale air while he shined a pen light in both my eyes that was much too bright. “We need to know what pills you took.”

“Vicodin and Ibuprofen.” I confessed. Ryan winced as if I had cut him. The other EMT held up a syringe of clear liquid and injected it into my IV.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered to Ryan as my body started to feel numb once again. His weary smile softened his eyes slightly as he squeezed my hand harder.

“It’s going to be okay now.” He leaned over and brushed a kiss against my cold clammy cheek.

Unable to keep my eyes open any longer I succumbed to whatever drugs the EMT had given me.

Ryan stepped down from the Escalade, my drink in his hand. I walked out of the house, going down the front steps and out onto the light stone-paved walkway. He opened the door for Victoria, helping her down. They walked up to meet me as I waved at them, a huge grin plastered on my face. He handed me my treasured Starbuck’s coffee. I took a sip, still hot, but not enough to burn my tongue. I hugged him around the waist, his arms wrapped around me bringing me closer.

“Thank you.” I whispered, smiling into his chest. I looked up into his eyes, knowing he knew I wasn’t just talking about the coffee. The blue was more prominent today because of his cobalt polo shirt; I loved how they changed color like that. He bent down and kissed me softly on the lips.

“Your welcome.” He murmured as he swept a strand of hair that had blown into my eyes behind my ear and dropped his other hand from my waist.

I smiled at Ryan and then shifted my gaze to Victoria. She had changed her blonde hair; it had been past her shoulders, now it was short, cropped in a pixie cut, interlaced with white. She was my height, but only because she had on three-inch heels. Pale, slender and graceful, her wrists looked so delicate with about eight gold bangles resting around each one, they sounded of wind chimes as they collided with every move she made. She wore a long flowing lilac dress. She smiled at me and brought me in for a hug.

My heart felt suddenly heavy. I had the overwhelming desire to rush to Ryan’s SUV, and drive off never to be seen again. I did not deserve all of this love. These people were insane. For a brief moment I wished for my mother, selfish, uncaring, bringing out my very worst side with all the criticisms she was great at doling out. That I could deal with. It was comfortable and yet I knew it completely absurd. Who purposely chose bitterness and pain over love and acceptance? I guess I was the crazy one. I blinked away fresh tears as she pulled away from me.

“You look fabulous!” She looked me up and down.

“So do you, I like the hair.” It really was a better look for her. “I still can’t believe you’re here.”

“I told you Beth, there was no way I wasn’t going to be here. Ryan and I had this surprise planned for months.” Her blue eyes seemed to sparkle with happiness.

I grinned sheepishly. “Surprise is an understatement. I was floored.” I glanced up at Ryan. “I’m sorry I messed it all up.” I said averting my eyes from his gaze. My trust issues seemed to crop up at the most inopportune times. I felt so guilty.

“It’s not a big deal, you were about to find out anyway. Ryan explained you were working on trusting him. We can talk about that later.” She winked at him as she grabbed my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Ryan smiled at me, outwardly pleased that I would get some sense talked into me.

It was like we had never been apart, but that wasn’t the truth. My shattered heart was only barely held together by the love Ryan was so eager to give me. I wasn’t sure if it was strong enough for this. To have my Victoria back with me, only to have her leave me again. It didn’t seem to matter so much when my parents left; they were never really there to begin with. It had been bad enough when my mother had let her go, but I was still able to see her whenever I wanted. Granted I was so crazed about Jeremy, I had put her on the backburner, but that was beside the point. When we moved, I lost full access to Victoria and it was during that time that I needed her most. It had destroyed me so much more than finding Jeremy in bed with Courtney. Though she never knew it, or she never let on if she did. I kept up the pretense well, made sure everything looked all right on the surface whenever we did have a conversation. It was easy enough to do through email, especially since they were so infrequent. It was my way to put space between us, to distance myself from the pain of having lost her.

Now that she stood here in front of me, the façade proved to be much harder. The only thing to keep me grounded was the thought of the Vicodin in my system. There was much more if I needed it. Though even that wasn’t enough to squash the substantial weight that seemed to want to crush my heart. I had barely begun to spend time with Victoria and I had already started to lose it. I was ecstatic that she was here, but I was not ready for this.

“Come on, we have a lot to catch up on.” I ushered her ahead of me as Ryan’s cell started to ring and he looked at the display as we walked toward the house.

“It’s my dad, I have to take this. I’ll be right in,” he took off onto the thick plush carpet of grass. “Dad, what’s up?” he answered as we stepped inside. I closed the large oak front door behind us.

“Wow, it’s beautiful. I can’t believe you have this huge house all to yourself.” Victoria said as she glanced around.  We walked through the foyer along the neutral marble tiles, passed the grand oak staircase that led up to the second floor, through the kitchen, down a step and into the two-story family room. A soft taupe colored the walls, the opposite side lined with floor to ceiling windows, framed with dark navy flowing window treatments, the mid-morning light filtered through. Victoria sat on the deep brown leather couch faced towards the kitchen, the sun to her back. I set my Caramel Macchiato down on the coffee table.

“Can I get you anything?” I asked as I walked back towards the kitchen.

“Some water would be great.” I grabbed a glass out of the maple cabinet next to the stainless steel refrigerator and filled it with ice and water from the dispenser on the fridge door. “You’ve been sucked in too, huh?” she said as I walked back to the family room, my copy of Twilight in her hand.

“Of course, I’ve read it five times! Team Edward or Jacob?” I asked excitedly, slightly surprised she had read it, though I guess I had never mentioned my obsession with the saga in our emails.

“Jacob, all the way.” She grinned. “And you?”

“Edward! Real men sparkle.” We both laughed as I handed her the glass. I grabbed my drink and sat down on the leather club chair adjacent to the couch and tucked my feet beneath me. I brought the cup to my nose, inhaled the sweet aromatic combination of vanilla and caramel and took a long sip. I reveled in the warmth and rich flavor. The caffeine that would be absorbed into my system a needed bonus. Starbuck’s was a small indulgence, a little piece of heaven in a large paper cup.

“Ryan is wonderful. I’m glad you found someone who cares for you so deeply. It’s nice to finally meet him in person.” She took a sip of her water and set it down on a red leather coaster to protect the table from the inevitable condensation and then crossed her legs, her clasped hands rested on her knee.

“He’s amazing.” I was reminded that I had no details on how this surprise came to be. My curiosity was piqued. To some extent it made me uneasy. They had been in touch and I had been completely unaware of it. I didn’t like being in the dark, I needed some modicum of control. “How did you two start talking?” I took another sip of my drink and waited to hear the story.

I got nothing to say really. I’ve been exhausted since the time change, you would think we lost an hour of time by the way I’ve been feeling. I’ve crocheted two medium longies, though I ran out of yarn and still need to make one more trip, before they can be finished. I ordered labels for them and as soon as they arrive and I sew them in I will be able to list them on Etsy. Wiseman’s Warehouse is coming soon (the Christmas shopping experience for the girls school that I coordinate) and I’ve been having to do some organization with that. I used the Write or Die desktop edition for the first time and I love it. It’s amazingly cool. So I redid my writing playlist as I had lost it when I switched to the laptop and I wrote today, not a whole ton, but it was something. Since some of you liked what you read last time I figured I’d show you the next little bit.

Trigger warning still in effect….

I took a long shower and reveled in the heat, the steam rose up around me and took my sadness with it. I was ready for what I had done to take effect and just take me away from this place. Away from the hurt and the dead blank eyes as Victoria’s face haunted me every time I shut mine. It was too much to bear and it seemed as though I would never be free from the dull ache that radiated from my chest and caused me to feel nothingness and unfathomable intensity all wrapped into one. Ryan was completely unaware in the next room while he calculated our next move and tried to figure out how to keep us safe and follow his father’s orders while I was on my way to the end. I didn’t want to hurt him. Would he picture me dead and lifeless and have it etched upon his brain forever? I shuddered at the thought and a wave of dizziness swept over me, my vision faltered as my fingertips tried to hold firm to the slick shower wall.

The water cascaded over me as the blood flowed away from my skin and circled the drain. It left me behind. Victoria was but a memory and there was not one thing I could do to bring her back. I had tried, so very hard but the blood was just too much as the life seeped out of her into the cream carpet. Those cold dead vacant eyes stared up at me as her hand went limp in mine and yet I was transfixed and absolutely mesmerized by the bold crimson and what it meant. It had saturated my beautiful white eyelet dress, as though I were the one to be shot and yet none of it was mine. I was covered in the evidence that her life was over and my heart still beat. I wasn’t the one who was dead but I ached to be with her. It wasn’t fair that she had just come back into my life to reconcile the miscommunication between us and our hearts were on track to be healed only to have her stolen from me. My body felt heavy, the water too hot and yet not hot enough, the dizziness increased.  I was ready to succumb to the same fate.

I saw her eyes snap open, the beautiful green orbs radiated life as she yelled at my choice of death over life, furious that I had given up and let the pain break me. I wanted to be taken to her. I would feel whole once I was reunited with Victoria. The knock at the door shattered my delusion.

“Beth, you all right? You’ve been in there almost an hour.”

Really only an hour, it had felt so much longer. What a great hot water heater for such a shoddy place. Ryan. I was giving up Ryan after he had done all he could to save me. He had brought me back once before and here I slid again headfirst into death, my body and mind gone and lost forever. The dull ache became a roar and I doubled over, the scalding hot water hit my back as I clutched at my chest, at the hurt that tried to claw out it’s escape. No, I wouldn’t let it over take me. I could push through this and do it, for Victoria. Mostly for Ryan. I couldn’t have the pain destroy me, to let the people who started all this in motion win. Victoria might have been lost, but for them to take my life as well would be absolutely unacceptable. I stood abruptly with the sudden change of my mind. The blood rushed from my head, the steam caused me to sway and I grabbed at the wall of the shower to regain my balance, my vision swam before me. The pills, heat and exhaustion were taking affect.

“Ryan”, I screamed, the words strangled in my throat as I shoved the curtain to the side and staggered over the side of the tub. The water still sprayed me, the steam wafted in the air and I choked on the warmth that surrounded me as I hit the door with the force of my body. I tried to twist the knob to pop the lock and my hand did not seem to work anymore, as if it were no longer connected to my body. My brain was failing me and then it opened, the cold air of the room hit me like a slap to the face as I collapsed into Ryan.

“Beth, what’s wrong? What happened?” His eyes were wild as he held me in his arms, my legs gave out on me and he held me up solely by his strength.

“Pills.” I managed to slur. “Too many.”

“What pills? What did you do?”

I was naked and shivering and yet the heat was burning just underneath my skin as the hard lines blurred into darkness. I was lost and the pills would succeed. Ryan was a witness to my descent into nothingness and his heart was going to break like mine broke when Victoria died. His fingers dug deep into the flesh of my arms as he shook me. He tried to bring me back to his world and I just couldn’t. I had no strength left and I fell into the softness of the bed and he was gone. No longer did he hold me tight, no longer did he make demands of me to wake up. I could still hear his frantic voice but it no longer talked to me. I could feel his eyes on me and knew that they watched with horror just as I had done the same with Victoria. I couldn’t open my mouth to say goodbye and I slipped away before I could tell him how much I wanted to stay. How much I loved him.

We’re borrowing this week’s Red Writing Hood prompt from NaNoWriMo Prompts, a blog dedicated solely to National Novel Writing Month.

Here’s your prompt:

“Your protagonist empties the contents of his/her pockets, purse, and/or backpack onto a table. What all was dumped onto the table?”

But, we’re going to ask for more than a list of contents…this is merely a jumping off point.

While not all of you are taking part in NaNoWriMo this time around, this prompt will work beautifully for fiction and non-fiction. Don’t have a character? Empty your own purse and tell us what’s in it and why.

And if you are doing NaNoWriMo, be sure to poke around on the blog if you should get blocked…there’s some great stuff over there.

Fiction or non-fiction…tell us your story.

If you read my previous post here, you know that I was going to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. I decided to use this weeks prompt to further the story I’m working on. It is a very dark time for my character as her world has just been shattered. This is just one step in her ultimate journey of redemption. That being said, this could be a trigger for those suffering in a dark place themselves as it deals with suicide. This isn’t polished and I just wrote it this morning, with a myriad of interruptions from Alex. It’s also the first time I have publicly shared my characters and story.

Okay, disclaimer over.

Mildew. I inhaled the damp mustiness in the shrouded darkness of the corner, my back against the wall, the white eyelet fabric catching slightly on the coarse brown wallpaper. I sat there, legs out in front, limp and smeared with blood, Victoria’s. Her last breath, her vacant eyes.

“You need to get cleaned up.” Ryan said, peering through the thick dusty curtains, allowing a swatch of sunlight too bright to enter. I flinched as if pierced by its sudden brilliance. He let the curtain fall and the darkness enveloped me again, a welcomed hug from a long lost friend. He walked over to me tentatively, gauging my reaction or lack thereof. His hand outstretched, waiting to grasp mine.

“Beth, come on. You’ll feel better.” The deep blue-gray pools that had mesmerized me with their inviting warmth were flat and withdrawn. Or was it just me, my body was here, it was looking at Ryan, it was hearing Ryan, but it felt tingly and disconnected, neither here nor there, wherever there was.

“Hey.” He knelt next to me, and wiped away a tear from my cheek with his thumb. I hadn’t realized I was crying. His eyes were boring into mine trying to locate some spark within me, evidence that I would be all right.

“I’m not ready. You go first.”

Ryan nodded, the feel of his lips against my cheek a lingering whisper as he disappeared behind the bathroom door.

The room was small and dark, barely illuminated by the dingy bedside lamp giving off a wash of dull yellow light. My Gucci hobo bag sat on the table. It had been so important for me to have that dark blue python and leather bag. It practically screamed my name when I saw it and I immediately fell in love. Yes, fallen head over heals for a purse. What a waste. I got up shakily, steadying myself with my hand against the scratchy wall, made my way to the table and dumped out the contents of the designer bag.

The brash clank of the gun hitting the warped wood caught me by surprise. I picked it up, feeling the weight in my hand. The smooth black polymer marred by dried blood now the color of rust. Victoria. I set it down and sifted through the crumpled receipts, movie ticket stubs, wads of silver wrapped used gum, tubes of lip gloss, pack of fresh mint gum, the matching blue python clutch wallet, a bottle of ibuprofen, the keys to the house and car, my cell phone, and a bottle of water.

Nothing I was really looking for. I unzipped the inside pocket of the purse and pulled out the full unmarked prescription bottle. Four at a time chased with water. Empty. The ibuprofen was next. I placed everything back in my bag and sat on the end of the king size bed.

My mirror image staring back at me, bloodied and bruised, vacant and yet still breathing, unlike her.

She was lost.

Now I would be lost too.