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It’s been awhile..

I’ve been rethinking my life a lot lately.. that song by Switchfoot has been so convicting.. I ask myself that question all the time, am I who I really want to be???? Deep down I’m such a people pleaser, so much so that in the past and sometimes to this day I have compromised myself and my beliefs because of others. I’m not doing that anymore with the help of God.. I was just so afraid of what people would think of me or that they wouldn’t like me.. Very deep seated issues, that I believe come from my reaction to being adopted.. mostly now that I have my own kids.. Attachment issues and the like..

The thoughts that come to mind are.. My own biological mother didn’t love me enough to keep me.. intellectually I know that what she did was amazing.. my parents are so ver good to me and love me very much, have given me such a wonderful life and home.. but when i had kids, and formed that mother/child bond i couldn’t understand how anyone could give a baby away.. and thoughts of why i wasn’t good enough have tortured me, left me with terrible low self-esteem, and made me afraid to be attached in most relationships in fear of abandonment..

That being said.. I have done a lot of escaping in my life.. escaping into TV mostly, books and the internet, other peoples lives, trying desperately not to live my own.. afraid of living my own.. in constant fear of disappointing anyone, and inevitably letting everyone down, especially myself, time after time..

God is so full of grace.. I’m so thankful that I was blessed with such a wonderful family, my husband and children, my brothers and sisters in Christ..

I have been trying to stay off of livejournal because it had started to consume my life.. getting angry at my children because they were interrupting my time.. God used a few close people in my life to shake a little bit of sense into me.. I am truly thankful that He worked in that way..

I’ve decided that I’m only going to use this journal to keep up on friends and if I have something I really need to get off my chest.. all the rest of the fluff is gone, some of my entries have been truly pointless.. I want to look back and see how much I have grown as a follower in Christ, as a wife and mother.. not see what I happened to have made for dinner one day..

16 thoughts on “It’s been awhile..”

  1. You’re truely an amazing person Veronica, I really admire your ability to admit your weeknessess, and grow from them. I need to work on that.
    ((Hugs))

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  2. My own biological mother didn’t love me enough to keep me..

    I don’t agree with that. I think she loved you enough to know that a life with her would not be good enough for you, and that you needed something better. I assume she wasn’t prepared to be a mother when she had you, and realizing that she loved you enough to let you go was probably a very hard decision. I really doubt she made light of the situation. I guarantee that she loved/loves you.

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  3. intellectually I know that what she did was amazing..

    Emotionally and mostly subconsciously, I feel abandoned.. I truly feel blessed that I was adopted.. But like I said, after having my own children and feeling the way I do about them, I feel like I was unwanted.. I could never even imagine giving one of my children up, and I won’t ever understand what she (biological mom) went through.. but I was still scarred.. It still hurts, and I’m still ver gaurded in regards to relationships.. Counseling would probably help this perception that I have, maybe someday in the future I will go that route..

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  4. Thank you.. I’m definitely being led to share my heart.. this isn’t something I do on a regular basis.. self evaluation is always so hard, because what you find can be scary..

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  5. (hugs). I think you should be yourself and if people don’t like you for that then they were never your friends anyway. It would be their lost. I too have been staying off LJ because of the same reasons as you said. I only get on everyother day when the kids are sleeping or playing in the toy room. I only get 30 min. too.

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  6. oh Veronica!!! ((hugs)) I have NO idea how it feels to be adopted. Like you said, the bond I had with my children was inseperable, from birth. I didn’t have much to offer them, only my love. That being said what you quoted about “intellectually I know that what she did was amazing” is very true. She let you have a WONDERFUL life! One she probably couldn’t have fulfilled. Do you know much about your biological mother? I don’t know if you’ve contacted her or not… maybe that would help?

    You always hear adoptive parents saying “i didn’t grow you in my womb, I grew you in my heart” and I think that is such an amazing saying.

    IA w/ Maria… you are a strong person to open up like this. I think maybe this journal could HELP you. Maybe you should keep a seperate journal just for your adoption issues.

    ((hugs))

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  7. Sending you tons of (((hugs)))

    You will continue to be on my friends list no matter how often you update. I’ll be praying for you hun. πŸ™‚

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  8. Thanks for your thoughts Wendy! I don’t know much about my biological mother. Just that she was 24 and a hairdresser. There might be more in my file, but if there is I haven’t found it and I have looked at it many times. I actually don’t have much of a desire to contact her. My parents are my parents. I feel so strongly about that. It breaks my heart when there are cases that judges award custody to kids that were adopted to the biological parents after years of not seeing them. How tramatic. Talk about screwing a child up royally. I will never understand how something like that would be best for the child, but I digress.. I have never heard this “i didn’t grow you in my womb, I grew you in my heart” .. Thank you for sharing it with me. It definitely gives me a little perspective. Like I said, I truly am greatful to God that I was put up for adoption and placed with my family! But I think that even though I have always felt “special because my parents weren’t just stuck with me, they hand picked me!” I deep down have those ultimate feelings of abandonment.. Thank you for your hugs, encouragement and friendship! I really appreciate it!

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  9. I don’t believe that things happen for no reason at all, that God has a bigger plan for us in every little thing… for instance, i don’t believe that you meet people for no reason at all…they are going to impact your life and hopefully help you grow as a person and Christian.

    You may not know it now but you might have been something your biological mother needed to help her grow in Christ.(my oldest son did this for me..) And if you had remained with her, your life probably would not have traveled down the same path. You are needed where you are and I hope and pray that one day, you are able to come to terms with the feelings you have over being adopted. I cannot imagine what that must feel like for you, but I don’t wish anything negative for you at all. It’s a situation where I wish I had magic words to ease your pain, but I don’t…

    and if you update what is for dinner or anything else, I would love to keep you as a friend. I think you are pretty special!!!!!!!! and I enjoy reading your thoughts and words. There are not a lot of people around who seem so focused on most of the same things I am focused on, so it’s important to me to hold on to the blessings God has given me, and I count you as one.

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  10. oh ITA….I’ve been watching that case w/ Evan… the little boy who was “unofficially” put up for adoption for 3 1/2 years… now he’s back w/ his bio mother (and has visitation w/ his bio father). And the judge says by doing this now, there will be no permanent emotional damage. HA! That poor guy 😦

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  11. Big hugs! You are such a sweet and loving person. Fluff or serious stuff I still think you are awesome and will always by your friend and support you no matter what.

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