I’ve been rethinking my life a lot lately.. that song by Switchfoot has been so convicting.. I ask myself that question all the time, am I who I really want to be???? Deep down I’m such a people pleaser, so much so that in the past and sometimes to this day I have compromised myself and my beliefs because of others. I’m not doing that anymore with the help of God.. I was just so afraid of what people would think of me or that they wouldn’t like me.. Very deep seated issues, that I believe come from my reaction to being adopted.. mostly now that I have my own kids.. Attachment issues and the like..
The thoughts that come to mind are.. My own biological mother didn’t love me enough to keep me.. intellectually I know that what she did was amazing.. my parents are so ver good to me and love me very much, have given me such a wonderful life and home.. but when i had kids, and formed that mother/child bond i couldn’t understand how anyone could give a baby away.. and thoughts of why i wasn’t good enough have tortured me, left me with terrible low self-esteem, and made me afraid to be attached in most relationships in fear of abandonment..
That being said.. I have done a lot of escaping in my life.. escaping into TV mostly, books and the internet, other peoples lives, trying desperately not to live my own.. afraid of living my own.. in constant fear of disappointing anyone, and inevitably letting everyone down, especially myself, time after time..
God is so full of grace.. I’m so thankful that I was blessed with such a wonderful family, my husband and children, my brothers and sisters in Christ..
I have been trying to stay off of livejournal because it had started to consume my life.. getting angry at my children because they were interrupting my time.. God used a few close people in my life to shake a little bit of sense into me.. I am truly thankful that He worked in that way..
I’ve decided that I’m only going to use this journal to keep up on friends and if I have something I really need to get off my chest.. all the rest of the fluff is gone, some of my entries have been truly pointless.. I want to look back and see how much I have grown as a follower in Christ, as a wife and mother.. not see what I happened to have made for dinner one day..