I was highly frustrated today. Talking to my Mom about God and Jesus.. I might just have to accept the fact that she just isn’t going to get anywhere by talking to me. I hope that going to church helps her on this spiritual journey that she is on. She says that I am narrow minded, I think that it is the opposite. She is so set in her ways. I really need to work on being confrontational. I tend to avoid the big problems with her. She can be so volatile. I never know how she is going to react to something and that keeps my mouth shut. I don’t want to open a can of worms. I just need to pray about it and see how God leads me. I hope that He opens up a door to better communicate with my mom..
And something that really bothered me today.. My Mom said something.. something she has said on a few occasions actually.
I asked her what I would have been named if I were a boy. She said Dwight. She said, “your dad wanted children more than I did. He really wanted a boy. A namesake.”
Comments like that make me feel awful. Sometimes I think she isn’t happy with the fact that she stayed home with us, now that she is older and still at home. She always jumped on me when I said I wanted to stay home. Always told me I needed a career. Sometimes I feel like she didn’t want us at all. And what an awful feeling that is.
I only get that feeling once in a blue moon. It is usually when she is “in a mood” aka “has been drinking a little bit excessively”
I don’t think she is very happy with herself. She had a terrible childhood. She probably would benefit from counseling. But she looks down on that sort of thing.
That is why I have kept it from her that I’m on Zoloft. She makes it sound as though medication or needing some help from counseling is weak. That “we” are better than that.
I was telling Brian the other day, that my Dad wanted to bring me to counseling when I was having a very tough time during my pre-teen and early teenage years. I was into a lot of trouble. My Mom told him no, that I didn’t need it..
I wish that he hadn’t have listened to her.
But you can only blame so much on your parents. I have a responsibility to live my life and it is me who made those decisions. Not my parents. I just have to re-work how I think about things that I have ingrained into my brain since I can remember.
God please give me the strength to get through this stuff. Please open doors that always seem to be closed to me. I’m listening Lord. I’m following. Please lead me..