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apd

– I found a community on LJ called Avoidants.. I can relate so well! It is scary and it has totally opened my eyes to so many things. I don’t feel so alone. Some one posted about feeling less than others and so alone and here is an observation I made about myself:

I always thought I was different too, since I can remember, maybe the end of elementary school and up. That everyone was growing up around me and I was stuck in this perpetual childhood. Because it was easier for me to be around younger kids because I didn’t feel self-conscious or less than them. I was the older, wiser one! Kids my age made me uncomfortable and anxious and just very small.
And at the same time I felt better than my peers, because I was smart and there were things that I just didn’t do because that was too “low” for me. Like for instance, I could never work as a waitress, or in retail, or a service trade, that is just beneath me.

When in actuality I was just protecting myself from humiliation and rejection and being around people who would judge me and make me feel small. I was just hiding and above all avoiding.. Amazing..

– Yesterday at the Dublin Sppoktacular I saw a ton of people I knew but hadn’t seen in ages, so I avoided them at all costs. Even when they were literally inches from me (I don’t think they would have recognized me, since I knew them before Katie and I was pushing her (Brianna was with my Mom) and becuase of my haircut. I was scared that they would recognize me and speak to me, so I’m glad that they didn’t!) I was so self-conscous and felt so tiny and non-important. we saw the Peter’s. I didn’t acknowledge Scott and felt bad about it later. I barely talked to Kelly (Marybeth) before going our separate ways. I just grabbed Brianna as soon as she got of the bouncing thing with Griffen and took off running practically. And then I did have the chance to say good bye but I hate that awkwardness so I just left without saying anything and then felt like a jerk and idiot about it.. These are people I talk to all the time, was in cell group with them for a year, have playdates, went to dinner at their house all the time, prayed out loud with at the women’s retreat.. And I run off like they were strangers trying to kill me.. blah

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