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Some paper notes.. (APD)

10/18/05
– God’s love is not contigent on what I do or whether I succeed or fail. He is full of grace and love and nothing I could ever do can make Him not love me or accept me where I am.

10/19/05
– I have avoidant personality disorder. Finally I know what is wrong with me. Though I am scared to death about counseling because then I have to disclose my crazinessto some one, what will they think about me? It makes me feel like an idiot feeling and reaction the way I do to others, but at the same time makes me happy that I’m not the only one.

10/20/05
– Maybe I’m obsessed (since I can remember-elementary school) with pregnancy and babies because you get such positive attention and support and comments. People are geniunely happy for you and it makes me feel loved and cared for. And babies don’t judge or make me feel small. There is an illusion of unconditional love and acceptance. They need me and I can do no wrong. You can’t be embarrassed in front of a baby. They don’t understand how weird you are.
– Couldn’t make myself call Directions Counseling. I would have to speak to some one and tell them what is going on. They would ask insurance questions and those questions make me feel dumb and stupid because I don’t know the answers.
– Brian made me upset because he said maybe I couldn’t go to Directions depending on the cost and insurance. He later told me he thought I misunderstood him (which I did, I thought why was money more important than me finally wanting to go to counseling). That he just wanted to make sure and maybe check other places and that my going to counseling was more important than the money issue. That made me feel better, but still a bit jaded.

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