random thoughts (private)

So, Maria told me I should just start typying randomly. Just let my mind wander and think about things and get them out.. So here goes..

I’m freezing cold, but to lazy to go get my sweater and my eyes keep tearing up.. I’m just tired but waiting for Brian to get home. Catching up on LJ and reading Pacey/Joey pregnancy fanfiction because that is my obsession..

I’ve been craving sex these days.. Thinking about it and Brian all the time. And I wonder if subconsciencly I really want to be pregnant again. It would make sense to me. I mean I don’t really want to have a baby or be pregnant right now. I like the girls age spacing and want to try to do that the third time. But pregnancy equals undivided attention and positive attention. And you get this beautiful baby, someone who depends on you and only you can meet those needs. It’s the illusion of unconditional love. Babies definitely take more than they give, but I never really notice that.. All I see is the love and how much I crave that love. It’s wird you think I would say to myself, God gives that love and grace, but it’s like I purposely put a wall up and block Him out unless I really see the reason to pray or speak to Him and even sometimes that is on a superficial level. Praying for meals, and the girls going to bed. Sometimes I get deep, but for the most part I just feel all harried and just want to get them into bed and on to what I want to do, more so Brianna than Katie. Katie is still a baby to me. She still has that innocence. Brianna, well she is 4 and defiant and I know how I should react to her, but I find myself doing all the things I never wanted to do. Yelling all the time, avoiding the conflict until it gets so out of control that I just lose my cool and she has no warning whatsoever.. So frustrating.. Well Brian just got home and I am super tired.. I just want to go to bed. I’m looking forward to my “day off” tomorrow from Conner and Brandon.. It will be nice to just be me and the girls..

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