Reflections

Wild

I was pretty subdued in high school. I didn’t do drugs, rarely smoked, didn’t drink. My wild side, was using manipulation to get whatever and whoever I wanted. I was an attention whore and what better way to get attention than to give a guy what he wants. I had no respect for myself. I was the one being fooled. I was the one being manipulated. Sure I thought it was the other way around but I was a slave to myself and my addiction. I needed to feel loved, I needed to feel needed, I needed the attention. Lying and manipulation was my tool of choice. It looked like I was on top, even to myself. I wasn’t on top, not even close. I was in a deep pit and didn’t know it. I was taken advantage of, I was hurt beyond repair. But it just made me more determined. I’ll show them, if I’m skinny enough, more beautiful, and more successful! I can and will “win” and one day they will be sorry they rejected me. Those what if’s weren’t enough and I got more and more wild, more and more out of control. Especially once I started college. But it was so easy to hide. Especially when drugs and alcohol crept into my life. I had boys anytime I wanted, but who was the one being manipulated now? I sabotaged everything good in my life and turned to everything bad. I punished myself verbally and sometimes physically for letting it go so far. I broke free with the birth of my daughter. Without her I don’t know if I would ever have known Christ. I feel that He used her, to save me from myself. My downward spiral of self destruction. Now I’m just starting to sort through everything I made myself become, to please others. Now is my chance to find out who I really am, and what I really stand for. It’s going to be a long road, but by the grace of God, I know I will make it.

My wild days are over, but MY life in Him has just begun!

4 thoughts on “Wild”

  1. My first baby brought me (back) to God too! You are a courageous, beautiful wonderful blessed woman. I am so grateful that you are seeing it too. God is good ALL the time!

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