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All alone..

I feel so alone and I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I don’t want to deal with anything right now. I feel like I shouldn’t be home with the kids because we need more money than what I’m making watching Deana’s kids. But at the same time I don’t feel as though I should work outside the home because then the girls are with my Mom, and she and I fight more because of it, and then she doesn’t like spending time with her grandkids since she sees them everyday, but as a parental figure, not grandma figure. Plus our family dynamic just works so much better when I am at home.

I frustrated because we are trying to get out of debt and it seems like everything is being thrown our way to stop us from doing so. We are very blessed to have only the car, house and student loan debts. But they are so big that it will take forever, especially since we don’t have that much extra.

We do have savings, so we won’t go into debt because of all this stuff coming up financially but it does put is back at paying stuff off 😦

I just don’t want to talk to anyone, but at the same time I don’t want to be alone. I want to talk to someone.

Does that make sense???? I’m sure a lot of these feelings are magnified because of my hormones being out a whack thanks to AF.. but still..

I’m just tired. I’m tired of trying to keep everything together and being “I’m fine, everything’s a-okay” to everyone who asks. I’m not fine, everything’s not a-okay. Why do I feel the need to be emotionless when it comes to my friendships. Why do I have an open door policy, an open heart to trying to make everyone else ok and feel better. But when I need someone I can’t reach out and ask for it.. Why don’t I trust my friends with my innermost feelings???

Why do I feel the need to hide away so no one knows who I am???

12 thoughts on “All alone..”

  1. yesterday I even phoned to try and set up counseling with an old counselor. We went home this weekend and for a reunion…we didnt even go to most of it..partially cause Jim didnt care to but would have for me but more for I figured what do I have to offer? I didnt want to go. I didnt feel like talking. yet after we went home I felt so alone. I didnt have friends…Jim was so confused by me. Im going through PMS right now too but Ive been going through a ton of back and forth emotions for months. I feel like a failure at everything I do or touch.
    I really want you to know I do understand. Im here to talk.I know its hard to. You do listen and try to keep everyone upbeat. Let someone be here for you if your wanting to talk. Im going to try and get some help. Least maybe then I can get on with life. Im feeling Im wasting so much time being sad and unhappy. I want to feel alive and like Im worth something. I want to know how to help Brooke..and I want to have all happy kids. Financially we are real trouble…real trouble ..so that doesnt help. Ive asked for a raise I wont get…been looking for other jobs etc. yet I dont even feel emotionally stable to work more..kwim? anyway *hugs*..I do understand.

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  2. I could of just literally just written most of that for my self. very esp that last paragraph. so I know there is nothing I can say taht will fix it but Im sorry this is happening to us.

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  3. I know we dont know each other but can I add you as a friend. I could use all the friends I can that understand what we go through?

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  4. I just added you – I should warn you its been a bit sparse latley as im just to tired from life to write much at the moment – most of its public already.

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  5. (((HUGS))) It will pass sweety, we all go through times like that. Im sending you lots of positive thoughts and hugs πŸ™‚

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  6. awwww (((V))) Money/Financial problems cause SO much emotional/mental damage 😦 I go thru the SAME thing allllllllllllll the time. I just feel like I should be doing SOMETHING to earn some money, so I started EBaying… which makes me about $50 a week lol Not much… but it helps a bit.

    When my parents came down, my dad was talking about how much SAHM’s should earn w/ Andy. It was SO cute to hear them talking. And I kept encouraging my dad lol So, in all honesty, it costs MORE for a mom to be OUT of the home than in it, in most cases. I just look at it like, in the next 2 years I will be out working to help…. not a ton. But then when I look back at those years I was soley a SAHM, nothing will have seemed more important.

    ((hugs))

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  7. It’s so heard being an adult & mommy! Everyone has their struggles & you just have to pick and choose your battles. I have faith you will over come this, but don’t feel sorry if you ever need to vent, I’ll listen! It’ll get easier, eventually. *Hugs*

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  8. I don’t want to talk about it but do need people to gather around me and just love on me. I get so annoyed everytime someone asks about whether we’re applying for unemployment yet or telling us urgently we need to see a counselor to work through the pain asap when right now all we can manage is diapers and laundry detergent.

    I know how you feel… and I don’t want to talk about it with everybody either. We just need to manage through this hurdle and wait on God. It helps noone to continue to overwhelm our hearts and minds over and over again about the mess we’re in. God promises that he’ll provide for his children, and he ALWAYS does! It may not be conventional, but it is always on his time schedule and in his way…

    One thing, the more people you love that can gather around you, the better. You don’t have to tell them everything, and you can tell them straight up, “I don’t want to talk about it, but we’re having a hard time right now and could use some prayer” and just leave it at that. Sometimes a hug is worth more than you can imagine. I wish I could give you one from here. This girl is totally right with you, and I am certainly sending out prayers for you and your family.

    Regarding the life insurance company, your new job could be to call them every day and let them know that you would like to begin charging them interest on the money that they have fraudulently taken out of your bank account and refused to return. Let them know that they can return that to you asap or you can contact some authorities who can help you out with that. If you don’t want to hear this, I don’t blame you. I hate it when people have suggestions when I’m just plain hurting. I just want to be told it’s going to be okay… but action helps things move along too.

    I’m praying, girl

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  9. Veronica….

    I envy you because you can stay at home! I think that’s the most important thing in the whole wide world! And I think you really said a lot when you said
    “Plus our family dynamic just works so much better when I am at home”

    It’s so about that. There will never be a time in life where there isn’t a bill or some financial obligation- when the house is paid off, college will hit for the girls, or the furnace will konk out. It stinks!!!! I am so there with you. I HATE It! I often joke around about going back to pioneer life where nothing couldn’t be bartered! πŸ™‚

    But look around at what you are doing- don’t think about what you are not doing! you are contributing so much to your girls and your life as family, so it might not add up to much on paper and in dollars in sense, but it adds up emotionally and spiritually! Please do not ever feel like you are somehow not on par with anyone else. You are where you need to be and it is a wonderful beautiful place. πŸ™‚

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  10. You make prefect sense to me! I relate to everything from money to from wanting to hidwe away yet not be alone. I get it!

    I think it is normal for people to be scared to open up to others. That is scary because it opens you up to being hurt. At least that is how I feel…I fear that I open myself up for judgment and hurt. Intellectually I know that real friends love you always but it is still scary, ykwim?

    Anyway, I understand. Big hugs, tomorrow will be better!

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  11. it will be ok honey, you’ll see sometimes little unexpected pick me ups come your way and it sounds like you are due one, i am thinking of you

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