Somebody kill me.. Hole brings back memories of depression and angst. Anyway….
The last couple of days I’ve felt very alone and lost. I can’t seem to escape out of my head. I do so well, and feel so connected with God. My perspective is one of contentment and everything seems right with the world even if things are out of control. Then I decide that I don’t like living life and I retreat back into my mind. Where I can be who ever and go where ever without the constraints of reality. And as I continue in my quest in my own little world I tend to sink down into such a depressive state. It’s a cycle that I can’t seem to get out of, something I feel doomed to repeat until the day I die.
And I know it is because I refuse to give up control and I decide to take refuge in my addictions instead of the Lord.
And I know this must sound completely weird in this emo post, but I am so thankful for what I have. My husband and the girls, all my friends and family. But a lot of the time it feels like not enough, that I don’t have enough, that I’m not good enough, that everyone out there is better than me and for good reason since I’m such a loser.
I think I just need to step back and take a good look at all the relationships I have and my level of vulnerability in those relationships. I need to be honest with myself, really evaluate my thoughts and feelings instead of putting them on the back burner until I self destruct from not dealing with everything. For the most part I am being honest with everyone when I say everything is alright, but that is only because I have refused to evaluate my heart and what is in it. I hate when people ask how I am, because I usually always lie. Instead of figuring it out, I just say, Good. Brian’s good, the girls are good. Everything is grand. Now let’s talk about something else. I’m not saying that my life is so awful or I have to have some sort of emo-ness going about my day, there are great days a lot of the time, but I don’t stop to reflect on those days either.
Anyway.. yeah.. I was able to get a lot done today, so I feel good about that. I’m also going to be starting a Bible Study with my friend Heather, hoping that it will bring me closer to Christ as well as strengthen Heather and I’s friendship!