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I’m Ms. World..

Somebody kill me.. Hole brings back memories of depression and angst. Anyway….

The last couple of days I’ve felt very alone and lost. I can’t seem to escape out of my head. I do so well, and feel so connected with God. My perspective is one of contentment and everything seems right with the world even if things are out of control. Then I decide that I don’t like living life and I retreat back into my mind. Where I can be who ever and go where ever without the constraints of reality. And as I continue in my quest in my own little world I tend to sink down into such a depressive state. It’s a cycle that I can’t seem to get out of, something I feel doomed to repeat until the day  I die.

And I know it is because I refuse to give up control and I decide to take refuge in my addictions instead of the Lord.

And I know this must sound completely weird in this emo post, but I am so thankful for what I have. My husband and the girls, all my friends and family. But a lot of the time it feels like not enough, that I don’t have enough, that I’m not good enough, that everyone out there is better than me and for good reason since I’m such a loser.

I think I just need to step back and take a good look at all the relationships I have and my level of vulnerability in those relationships. I need to be honest with myself, really evaluate my thoughts and feelings instead of putting them on the back burner until I self destruct from not dealing with everything. For the most part I am being honest with everyone when I say everything is alright, but that is only because I have refused to evaluate my heart and what is in it. I hate when people ask how I am, because I usually always lie. Instead of figuring it out, I just say, Good. Brian’s good, the girls are good. Everything is grand. Now let’s talk about something else. I’m not saying that my life is so awful or I have to have some sort of emo-ness going about my day, there are great days a lot of the time, but I don’t stop to reflect on those days either.

Anyway.. yeah.. I was able to get a lot done today, so I feel good about that. I’m also going to be starting a Bible Study with my friend Heather, hoping that it will bring me closer to Christ as well as strengthen Heather and I’s friendship!

4 thoughts on “I’m Ms. World..”

  1. I’ve been wondering and thinking about you lately. You have seemed so quiet. I can relate V… it is hard and I can’t say that I experience or completely understand what exactly you are going through, but I am like you in the fact that everything is good, great with my husband and children but I still feel alone ocassionally.

    Do you talk to Brian or someone about how your feeling on a regular basis? I hope you know that I am ALWAYS here for you! I know you have a great support network but I am here for you anytime!

    Love you sweets and I hope you had a great time at Bible Study with Heather!

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  2. Wow…. you put me in a nutshell… I think we’ve all been there. I’m feeling the same right now and not fighting. Satan wants us to stop leaning on Christ and lean more on ourselves, hide inside ourselves. When we fear being vulnerable to fellow believers, Satan wins a little bit, and when we continue to hide our true selves (impossible, really) people miss the opportunity to lean and lead each other through faith. I’m right there with you. I am.

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  3. My goodness I could have written that post and know exactly how you feel!
    We will get our heads sorted one day!! LOL !! Well I hope we do LOL!!
    Bless you my love, Ill meet you on the ‘back burner’ soon no doubt.xxxxxx

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  4. I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time. I admire you though because you recognize it and want to make it better! ((loves))

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