Brian’s phone broke……. Conner was putting something on the counter and it fell into the sink, we didn’t find it until an hour later. Brian is so angry. His phone was acting up before and kept shutting off, so he had a loaner phone and this new one just came in the mail and now it is water damaged and not working.

I think I need a new counselor.. I know I keep saying that but I really just do..

I’m trying to be more honest about my feelings because I feel like I have been hiding for so long.

It’s hard for people to think there is something wrong with you when you constantly say everything is ok and have a smile on your face, though underneath you feel like you are dying inside..

But it’s hard because I don’t always feel like I’m dying, sometimes I feel like I’m flying..

You can pretty much know what mood I’m in by just looking at me.. If my hair is pulled back and I look like crap and I haven’t showered, then yeah, I’m not doing very well at all. If my hair is done and I look all cute with make-up on.. then I’m flying high.. And then if I look decent and normal then that is what I’m feeling.. Just even keeled..

I still feel the need to cry, but it’s not easily coming. I’ve trained myself not to over the years, I don’t want people thinking there is something wrong with me.. But when I cry I usually cry hard..

Why the mask, why the charade.. I’m so afraid of people thinking badly about me, thinking that I’m some sort of crazy freak and if they really knew me and what was going through my head sometimes, would they still care for me??????

I hope I’m not scaring anyone. I’m mostly writing down all of this stuff to show my counselor.. Or my new counselor…

And for Brian and my really close friends to see and know what is going on with me..

I feel like talking to someone, but at the same time I just want to hide away….

On a positive note the buttercream frosting turned out great and so did the cake.. 

6 thoughts on “1038”

  1. That stinks about Brian’s phone. 😦

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so blah. I know exactly the type of mood that you’re in now. I hope that you are able to find a counselor that is a better match for you. That’s good that you’re getting all of this out and will share it during your next session. I know from your last posts you said that you never feel this way when you’re with the counselor, so maybe bringing this in with you will help the counselor help you.

    Glad to hear the frosting came out yummy! Chocolate cakes are one of my favorite. 🙂


  2. Has your counselor brought up the possibilty of you being manic depressive/bi-polar? That is how it sounds to me, I am not a trained professional in any way but have gone through this with some friends. I totally think a new therapist would help, as well as not hiding things from them. Try to remember that they are trained but they are not psychic.

    Hope it gets better for you hun.


  3. One of the first counselors I ever went to said that, but that was when I was in college. My counselor now hasn’t said anything about that, but I’ve pretty much always been even keeled when in his office..

    He isn’t available as often now because of teaching which is why I’m thinking of switching, I feel I can’t wait until Sept. 7th..

    Anyway, my plan is to print out journal entries past and and present so get a glimpse..

    I guess it makes sense, though I was doing so well before, don’t know what has set me off..

    Thanks for the comment Nonie..


  4. (((HUGS))) That sucks about the phone :(. I think you should definately look into a new councellor, maybe it will help?. I don’t think you should be waiting so long to see him. I hope things get better for you (((HUGS)))


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