Brian’s phone broke……. Conner was putting something on the counter and it fell into the sink, we didn’t find it until an hour later. Brian is so angry. His phone was acting up before and kept shutting off, so he had a loaner phone and this new one just came in the mail and now it is water damaged and not working.
I think I need a new counselor.. I know I keep saying that but I really just do..
I’m trying to be more honest about my feelings because I feel like I have been hiding for so long.
It’s hard for people to think there is something wrong with you when you constantly say everything is ok and have a smile on your face, though underneath you feel like you are dying inside..
But it’s hard because I don’t always feel like I’m dying, sometimes I feel like I’m flying..
You can pretty much know what mood I’m in by just looking at me.. If my hair is pulled back and I look like crap and I haven’t showered, then yeah, I’m not doing very well at all. If my hair is done and I look all cute with make-up on.. then I’m flying high.. And then if I look decent and normal then that is what I’m feeling.. Just even keeled..
I still feel the need to cry, but it’s not easily coming. I’ve trained myself not to over the years, I don’t want people thinking there is something wrong with me.. But when I cry I usually cry hard..
Why the mask, why the charade.. I’m so afraid of people thinking badly about me, thinking that I’m some sort of crazy freak and if they really knew me and what was going through my head sometimes, would they still care for me??????
I hope I’m not scaring anyone. I’m mostly writing down all of this stuff to show my counselor.. Or my new counselor…
And for Brian and my really close friends to see and know what is going on with me..
I feel like talking to someone, but at the same time I just want to hide away….
On a positive note the buttercream frosting turned out great and so did the cake..