Brian made a comment last night that I’m just like my Mom as far as her moods except without the drinking… Interesting..
I didn’t talk much at cell group at all. Mostly focused on baby Shelby, who I pretty much held the whole time.. Babies relax me..
Brian and I had a money arguement I think, I really can’t remember. I just remember being extremely pissed off and thinking I hate you and I don’t want to renew vows with an insensitive prick like you.. Strong words, thankfully I was able to keep it in my head.. I was very anxious.. I put Katie to bed in record speed and silence. No praying no song. Brianna asked for 3 stories, I read her one and was crying in quiet hysterics trying not to let her know I was crying while reading the Berenstein Bears Trip to the Dentist. I was determined to go to my parents house, driving and crying and blaring my music to sob to my father that my life sucks and I need $20,000 to pay off the car, buy Brian a car outright and have the extra to put toward student loans or something else… But when I saw it was 9:30 and I wouldn’t get there until 10ish and not including having to explain myself to Brian. I decided against the trip. Instead I decided to do something I haven’t done since college to relieve a little bit of the hyped up crazy feeling I was having and then sit in the dark listening to my ipod on full blast. When the light went out upstairs I decided to go and look at cars on the internet and read about people with bipolar. since an online friend decided to tell me I sounded manic depressive and Brian’s comment about my “moods”.. Then Brian came out and said he needed to check something. Then I said, I don’t want you to divorce me. He said, why would I divorce you, you aren’t making any sense. I felt very heavy. Then he proceeded to look up quinn on something and make jokes about stuff he saw.. I went downstairs.. He asked what I was doing, I said I needed a drink. I was verbally calling him everyname in the book and thinking what a total bastard this guy is.. and why am i even married to him.. then i went to bed. he got angry with me for not saying goodnight to him.. and i was even more furious, i just didn’t speak.. I knew i was going to blow.. then he asked me again why i wasn’t being nice and why i just went to bed and i told him.. because you were being a jerk.. he said he didn’t do anything and then i tried to go to sleep.. i was so angry and hyped that i just layed there thinking all sorts of things i can’t even remember now.. mostly how i better not be bipolar or crazy because what happens then.. i have to stay normal to the rest of the world so they don’t lock me away.. i mean, people can’t know that i’m not alright.. my family can’t know that i’m not alright.. i have to appear to be normal.. not that i don’t feel normal at times.. i’m just saying the bad times… plus, who would believe that happy smiley joking around all the time veronica is really so messed up in the head.. my plans would be ruined.. people are already ruining my plans.. i’m supposed to be getting pg not figuring out what meds to go on.. And i freak out around now anyway.. babies give me some peace.. for some reason they make me feel alright.. pregnancy makes me feel alright.. it was the same when brianna was two.. i started freaking out just like now.. it was actually before she was two, but you get the gist.. anyway.. yeah.. hopefully i haven’t scared you..
i’m carless today.. *yay* my aunt freda and uncle rick, aunt sandy and uncle jules are coming in today and as much as i wanted to go see them, i don’t because then i have to put on a show.. putting on a show gets tiresome..
still been thinking about the counseling thing.. i have the phone in front of me.. i should call.. i think the only thing stopping me is i don’t want to screw up my life and i feel like changing and letting them see me will do that.. if i can just get back to normal, things will be ok..
thankfully the kids ground me enough for me to go completely bonkers. if i was still in college i would be going off the wall right now doing something really crazy and stupid.. the responsibility that is my kids and brandon makes me not want to mess up… though i suppose if i keep everything inside i might just blow up.. sometimes i think it would be nice to be locked away.. like the movie girl interrupted..
wouldn’t want to dissapoint anyone though.. so got to just keep it all on the down low..