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I don’t cut because I don’t care……………………..

i should be in bed. but instead here i sit not knowing what to type. trying to just feel but i can’t. i can’t just feel. i have so much desire to just feel and be real and live in the moment. i can’t handle it i do so much to run away and hide from real life. i can’t have a conversation with someone without over analyzing what they are thinking about me. did i come off as stupid or did i come off as superior. getting better means actually giving a fuck. and i suppose that deep down i really do. i know wrong from right but that isn’t enough. i just don’t care. i hate you all. i hate your beauty, i hate your lives, i hate everything about you and yet i want to be each and every one of you for different reasons. and deep down i know that it’s stupid to really feel this way because no one is perfect and even the perfect ones i put on a pedestal aren’t really perfect. everyone is broken, some just handle it way better than others. i feel as though my faith is a joke because it depends on what mood i’m in and what i’m really feeling. tonight cell group was pure hell because everyone was spewing their self righteous crap and all i could think of was i’m stuck here because i’m not on my own anymore. i married someone who stays true to their committments and doesn’t just give up when the mood strikes or doesn’t. subconciously i know there is a God. i know there is Jesus. i know all of these things and i really do believe. but then something clicks inside me and none of that matters and i get lost. i don’t feel. i hide and i hate so fucking much that i have to put on this show so that everyone thinks shiny happy veronica is just that happy. well fuck all of you for putting me in this position where i feel the need to hide myself and who i really am. why should i feel ashamed of who i am. why should i feel as though i can’t run free. why do i have to be tied down and squished into something that isn’t real. yeah creed. i definitely created my own prison and i’m slowly dying inside each and every day. and yet no one seems to notice. if i decided to get up right now and grab my purse and music and get in the car and drive away and never come back, people would be shocked. do they not see what they are doing to me. slowly driving the knife into my heart as i bleed out.. my brain waves slowly coming to a halt. glassy eyed and starring into space. dreaming and disconnecting myself from reality.. if you live through this with me i swear i will die for you.. lying to different people. showing different people different sides. i’m too depressed to go on, you’ll be sorry when i’m gone. listen to me spewing all this wreckage. and yet i sit here and stare at the screen with indifference. i’ve felt like this before and it got me into trouble. but only a few people know of that incident, my husband, a college roommate and the boys next door as well as my counselor. i couldn’t wait till i got home to pass the time in my room alone. i’m not alone anymore though. i have two beautiful girls and here i sit feeling like death. tomorrow held such better days. i broke my promise. brian said to stop watching tv and go to bed by 12:30.. i’m still awake. i’m not ready for sleep.. i’m ready to go out.. be about.. you bleed just to know you’re alive. when everything’s made to be broken, i just want you to know who i am..

Acoustic #3 Goo Goo Dolls

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What’s the point in all this screaming
No one’s listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
‘Cause she’s got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
‘Cause the world got in her way
What’s the point in ever trying
Nothing changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But your falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
‘Cause the world gets in your way
What’s the point in all the screaming
You’re not listening anyway

and the evilness comes out to play.. i laugh at my icon. maybe six feet ain’t so far down. i can be so flippant about death and yet it drives me nuts when i husband makes flippant comments to me when i’m actually trying to be serious and let him have a tiny glimpse into the living hell i have to deal with on a day to day basis. i wonder how he would feel if i decided to drive a knife into his chest every time he made one of those precious flippant comments he likes to make. masked as innocence yet so highly aggravating. maybe i am hiding underneath the smoke in the room, my mouth is definitely dry and yet i don’t think i have forgotten how to cry, though i try very hard to forget. crying brings pain and i don’t like not being in control. now if it is controlled pain that is a different story like my little needle friend though i haven’t done that since the car incident.

and indifference sets back in again. perhaps i should go to bed… listening to my ipod and hopefully off to dream something fun and intriguing. perhaps with the object of my obsession lex. hopefully i won’t be dreaming of piercing that woman’s neck, that was highly creepy, it took so long to kill her though it was necessary.

i am the girl you know can’t look you in the eye. i am the girl you know so sick i cannot try. i am the one you want can’t look you in the eye. i am the girl you know i lie and lie and lie. i’m miss world. somebody kill me. kill me pills. no one cares my friends. my friends.

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