and it also happened to be one of the best cell groups we’ve had in awhile. Brian wrote down questions, a serious one and a fun one and cut them up and put them in a hat. Then we took turns picking them and telling what our answers were. they let me go first, and not answer right away, because it takes me a little while to formulate my thoughts.Anyway, Clay got two questions and took one happened to be one he always answers. So later on in the night I said he should go again because he always got that question. Then he said, I was a cheater (I had taken my original question and put it back in the hat and took a new one because I didn’t like the one I had..) So I take another one and it says:
What do you need prayer on right now?
What’s your favorite dish?
So I say:
My favorite food is lemon chicken, prepared the way my Mom makes it.
And the second is:
I’m not going to go into the whole staying at home thing, because I am so sick of that and I feel like that is all Brian and I ever talk about.
So, I have been having a lot of issues lately, mostly at work. I’ve been doing a lot of research and I beleive that I need to go into some sort of counseling. I have been reading some things lately and it all points to one thing, since I have been in junior hight anyway.. And that thing is called Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been able to live and handle things because I’ve never been in one place to long for things to get overly stressful. Well now I am in this job for about 1 and 6 months and I can’t handle it anymore.. I have a stress free job and it is the most stressful thing to me, because I make it that way. I don’t do it on purpose, but the smallest things, that normally I can handle, I can no longer handle them. It is affecting my relationships, my marriage, it is affecting everything… But I’m so scared at the same time, because I know how I am and I know that I never succeed when I try to get something, I always fall through. And if I go get help I just know I am going to sabotage it in some way shape or form. And apart of me truly believes that I don’t have a problem at all and that it is everyone else. But I know that is just me being unrealistic… I don’t know. Everything is just so hard and I know that being under so much stress isn’t good for me or the baby, and that I should do something about this.. But it’s like I can’t. 😦 I want to talk to my Dad because I know he is always there for me and will always help me, he got me a counselor before, but everytime I try to pick up the phone to talk to him I can’t. It makes me cry. Because then it’s like they (my parents) will know that I haven’t been truthful, because around them and pretty much everyone I act like everything is perfectly fine and I am the happiest person alive. How can I go from there to I am completely falling apart and if I keep living this way I am going to jump off a bridge. I guess the truth is that I have always in my subconscious thought I wasn’t good enough, and the reason being because my own mother didn’t even want me and she was 34. I love the fact that I am adopted and that I was chosen by such loving and caring parents. That I wouldn’t have what I have without them. I feel truly blessed, but somewhere in that brain I have trained myself to feel that I am not good enough, that I have to do everything possible so that people will like me. It’s like they couldn’t possibly just like me for me, even my parents. I tried to be what they wanted for me, and I always failed. And after doing that year after year, it’s like you can’t get out of it. Like I have this complex that I will fail at everything so why bother, or things that seem to be so easy (even for me at times) are too much that I can’t handle it. Then it piles up and the more it does the more I freak out and retreat into not doing it at all.
Everyone was completely blown away except Brian. No one knew that I was having these issues… not even the people who read this. If you haven’t noticed I don’t go too much into detail about my life, it’s because I don’t want people to be let in, then they will know and I don’t even like knowing..