LCC, Life, My Husband

I was resting my eyes…

At least that is what I thought I was doing. Brian said I had bobbing head syndrome, and it looked like I was a puppet being manipulated by Kelly Peters, who happened to be sitting right behind me.

Rick Tawney is going to be the part time cell group pastor and he was the speaker today. The problem wasn’t the message or the way it was delivered. The problem was that Alex woke up at 3am and was hitting me in the face with his little fist and whipping me with his spit cloth! He wasn’t interested in nursing. He was just interested in talking and being wide awake! I finally got up with him around 6:30am. Church had just the right environment for my brain to shut down and try to nod off into dream land. I was absolutely exhausted.

I was wondering why Brian kept nudging me, I thought he was being sweet and rubbing my leg because he loves me, he was just embarrassed by my lack of consciousness!

LCC, My Husband, Reflections

Renewed!

This is how I feel right now! I feel so loved! God has truly blessed me! I’m so thankful for my husband! He is such a wonderful man and father to our children! I’m so thankful for our church, LCC! It has been such an amazing journey! I’m so thankful that we were apart of it all! The new building is such a wonderful blessing! Praise the Lord! I’m so thankful for Jesus! His blood was spilled so that I could have eternal life. So that my sins could be forgiven! I’m so unworthy, but God’s grace is so wonderful! I can’t even describe how it makes me feel! Just loved and forgiven! I feel as though my faith has been taken to another level.. Like I was missing something.. and now I have been found and given a renewed hope! Thank you to all my friends, IRL and LJ.. Your love and support has gotten me through so many rough times! And the laughter and fun has lifted my spirit! You are all truly wonderful! Thank you Lord! For all the blessings, big and small you have given to me, my family and my friends!

LCC

Breakfast Potluck..

Our small group is having a breakfast potluck tonight. I prepared a casserole last night. It was so easy. It’s my Mom’s recipe and I just love it!!

Recipe:

6 eggs
2 cups milk
1/2 tsp dry mustard
1/2 tsp horseradish
1/2 tsp salt
1 lb sausage (in links)
6 slices of white bread (preferrably pepperidge farm white)
1 cup cheddar cheese

Mix the first 5 ingredients.
Cook up the sausage, and cut it into bite size pieces.
Grease 9×13 dish with butter.
Decrust and cube the bread and line the bottom of the dish.
Evenly distribute sausage in dish.
Pour egg mixture over.
Top with cheese.
Refridgerate overnight.
Bake at 350 for 45 min.

We are going to go straight home, put on some comfy clothes and then head over to the Davis’. We’ll pop it in the oven there!

The Olsen’s are making waffles! Peter’s Grandmother’s recipe!
Davis’ are doing bacon and drinks I think.
Jacob’s can’t make it.

So excited!! I think we are bringing Outburst too.

Knocked Up, LCC, Reflections

Last night was rough..

and it also happened to be one of the best cell groups we’ve had in awhile. Brian wrote down questions, a serious one and a fun one and cut them up and put them in a hat. Then we took turns picking them and telling what our answers were. they let me go first, and not answer right away, because it takes me a little while to formulate my thoughts.Anyway, Clay got two questions and took one happened to be one he always answers. So later on in the night I said he should go again because he always got that question. Then he said, I was a cheater (I had taken my original question and put it back in the hat and took a new one because I didn’t like the one I had..) So I take another one and it says:

What do you need prayer on right now?
What’s your favorite dish?

So I say:

My favorite food is lemon chicken, prepared the way my Mom makes it.

And the second is:

I’m not going to go into the whole staying at home thing, because I am so sick of that and I feel like that is all Brian and I ever talk about.

So, I have been having a lot of issues lately, mostly at work. I’ve been doing a lot of research and I beleive that I need to go into some sort of counseling. I have been reading some things lately and it all points to one thing, since I have been in junior hight anyway.. And that thing is called Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been able to live and handle things because I’ve never been in one place to long for things to get overly stressful. Well now I am in this job for about 1 and 6 months and I can’t handle it anymore.. I have a stress free job and it is the most stressful thing to me, because I make it that way. I don’t do it on purpose, but the smallest things, that normally I can handle, I can no longer handle them. It is affecting my relationships, my marriage, it is affecting everything… But I’m so scared at the same time, because I know how I am and I know that I never succeed when I try to get something, I always fall through. And if I go get help I just know I am going to sabotage it in some way shape or form. And apart of me truly believes that I don’t have a problem at all and that it is everyone else. But I know that is just me being unrealistic… I don’t know. Everything is just so hard and I know that being under so much stress isn’t good for me or the baby, and that I should do something about this.. But it’s like I can’t. 😦 I want to talk to my Dad because I know he is always there for me and will always help me, he got me a counselor before, but everytime I try to pick up the phone to talk to him I can’t. It makes me cry. Because then it’s like they (my parents) will know that I haven’t been truthful, because around them and pretty much everyone I act like everything is perfectly fine and I am the happiest person alive. How can I go from there to I am completely falling apart and if I keep living this way I am going to jump off a bridge. I guess the truth is that I have always in my subconscious thought I wasn’t good enough, and the reason being because my own mother didn’t even want me and she was 34. I love the fact that I am adopted and that I was chosen by such loving and caring parents. That I wouldn’t have what I have without them. I feel truly blessed, but somewhere in that brain I have trained myself to feel that I am not good enough, that I have to do everything possible so that people will like me. It’s like they couldn’t possibly just like me for me, even my parents. I tried to be what they wanted for me, and I always failed. And after doing that year after year, it’s like you can’t get out of it. Like I have this complex that I will fail at everything so why bother, or things that seem to be so easy (even for me at times) are too much that I can’t handle it. Then it piles up and the more it does the more I freak out and retreat into not doing it at all.

Everyone was completely blown away except Brian. No one knew that I was having these issues… not even the people who read this. If you haven’t noticed I don’t go too much into detail about my life, it’s because I don’t want people to be let in, then they will know and I don’t even like knowing..

Sigh…