Reflections

I will always remember.

I added a new page, under my “about me”, aka .be patient, god’s not done with me yet.

I have a red folder that was given to my parents when I was adopted. It was a letter from my foster mom. I was in foster care from newborn to 3 months, when I was adopted.

I don’t have anything from my birth mother, except an age and her occupation. Nothing on my birth father, except that he was “unknown”.

But this folder, I cling to. It’s a glimpse into how much I was loved and cared for during the first 3 months of life. It is very important to me.

And now I can see it any time I want, without having to dig out the actual folder.

I copied it word for word, grammatical errors and all. I go back and forth on whether or not I would like to find/meet my birth mother. I intellectually know and understand that being adopted is such a blessing, but emotionally I haven’t been able to wrap my mind or my heart around it. Especially after having 3 children of my own. Maybe I’m selfish, but I just could not give up my children. It was an option I was vehemently against when faced with the unplanned arrival of Brianna.

I have a special place in my heart for my foster mother though. I can’t quite explain it, other than I know how very much I was loved by her.

Anyway, if you get a chance, you should read it. I will always cherish it.

Reflections

Ready and willing..

I’ve been feeling lost. Empty. Disconnected from myself. I’ve wrapped so much of my life into what I think others want me to be, that I can’t separate myself from the lies I’ve told myself and believed.

That probably doesn’t make much sense at all.

I live in such fear of rejection, that I avoid it like the plague. Always have. I feel like as the days, weeks, months, years go by, I always will.

I need to put my foot down.

I’m ready and willing.

It’s not going to be easy.

I’m scared to death.

Reflections

Wild

I was pretty subdued in high school. I didn’t do drugs, rarely smoked, didn’t drink. My wild side, was using manipulation to get whatever and whoever I wanted. I was an attention whore and what better way to get attention than to give a guy what he wants. I had no respect for myself. I was the one being fooled. I was the one being manipulated. Sure I thought it was the other way around but I was a slave to myself and my addiction. I needed to feel loved, I needed to feel needed, I needed the attention. Lying and manipulation was my tool of choice. It looked like I was on top, even to myself. I wasn’t on top, not even close. I was in a deep pit and didn’t know it. I was taken advantage of, I was hurt beyond repair. But it just made me more determined. I’ll show them, if I’m skinny enough, more beautiful, and more successful! I can and will “win” and one day they will be sorry they rejected me. Those what if’s weren’t enough and I got more and more wild, more and more out of control. Especially once I started college. But it was so easy to hide. Especially when drugs and alcohol crept into my life. I had boys anytime I wanted, but who was the one being manipulated now? I sabotaged everything good in my life and turned to everything bad. I punished myself verbally and sometimes physically for letting it go so far. I broke free with the birth of my daughter. Without her I don’t know if I would ever have known Christ. I feel that He used her, to save me from myself. My downward spiral of self destruction. Now I’m just starting to sort through everything I made myself become, to please others. Now is my chance to find out who I really am, and what I really stand for. It’s going to be a long road, but by the grace of God, I know I will make it.

My wild days are over, but MY life in Him has just begun!

LCC, My Husband, Reflections

Renewed!

This is how I feel right now! I feel so loved! God has truly blessed me! I’m so thankful for my husband! He is such a wonderful man and father to our children! I’m so thankful for our church, LCC! It has been such an amazing journey! I’m so thankful that we were apart of it all! The new building is such a wonderful blessing! Praise the Lord! I’m so thankful for Jesus! His blood was spilled so that I could have eternal life. So that my sins could be forgiven! I’m so unworthy, but God’s grace is so wonderful! I can’t even describe how it makes me feel! Just loved and forgiven! I feel as though my faith has been taken to another level.. Like I was missing something.. and now I have been found and given a renewed hope! Thank you to all my friends, IRL and LJ.. Your love and support has gotten me through so many rough times! And the laughter and fun has lifted my spirit! You are all truly wonderful! Thank you Lord! For all the blessings, big and small you have given to me, my family and my friends!

Knocked Up, LCC, Reflections

Last night was rough..

and it also happened to be one of the best cell groups we’ve had in awhile. Brian wrote down questions, a serious one and a fun one and cut them up and put them in a hat. Then we took turns picking them and telling what our answers were. they let me go first, and not answer right away, because it takes me a little while to formulate my thoughts.Anyway, Clay got two questions and took one happened to be one he always answers. So later on in the night I said he should go again because he always got that question. Then he said, I was a cheater (I had taken my original question and put it back in the hat and took a new one because I didn’t like the one I had..) So I take another one and it says:

What do you need prayer on right now?
What’s your favorite dish?

So I say:

My favorite food is lemon chicken, prepared the way my Mom makes it.

And the second is:

I’m not going to go into the whole staying at home thing, because I am so sick of that and I feel like that is all Brian and I ever talk about.

So, I have been having a lot of issues lately, mostly at work. I’ve been doing a lot of research and I beleive that I need to go into some sort of counseling. I have been reading some things lately and it all points to one thing, since I have been in junior hight anyway.. And that thing is called Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been able to live and handle things because I’ve never been in one place to long for things to get overly stressful. Well now I am in this job for about 1 and 6 months and I can’t handle it anymore.. I have a stress free job and it is the most stressful thing to me, because I make it that way. I don’t do it on purpose, but the smallest things, that normally I can handle, I can no longer handle them. It is affecting my relationships, my marriage, it is affecting everything… But I’m so scared at the same time, because I know how I am and I know that I never succeed when I try to get something, I always fall through. And if I go get help I just know I am going to sabotage it in some way shape or form. And apart of me truly believes that I don’t have a problem at all and that it is everyone else. But I know that is just me being unrealistic… I don’t know. Everything is just so hard and I know that being under so much stress isn’t good for me or the baby, and that I should do something about this.. But it’s like I can’t. 😦 I want to talk to my Dad because I know he is always there for me and will always help me, he got me a counselor before, but everytime I try to pick up the phone to talk to him I can’t. It makes me cry. Because then it’s like they (my parents) will know that I haven’t been truthful, because around them and pretty much everyone I act like everything is perfectly fine and I am the happiest person alive. How can I go from there to I am completely falling apart and if I keep living this way I am going to jump off a bridge. I guess the truth is that I have always in my subconscious thought I wasn’t good enough, and the reason being because my own mother didn’t even want me and she was 34. I love the fact that I am adopted and that I was chosen by such loving and caring parents. That I wouldn’t have what I have without them. I feel truly blessed, but somewhere in that brain I have trained myself to feel that I am not good enough, that I have to do everything possible so that people will like me. It’s like they couldn’t possibly just like me for me, even my parents. I tried to be what they wanted for me, and I always failed. And after doing that year after year, it’s like you can’t get out of it. Like I have this complex that I will fail at everything so why bother, or things that seem to be so easy (even for me at times) are too much that I can’t handle it. Then it piles up and the more it does the more I freak out and retreat into not doing it at all.

Everyone was completely blown away except Brian. No one knew that I was having these issues… not even the people who read this. If you haven’t noticed I don’t go too much into detail about my life, it’s because I don’t want people to be let in, then they will know and I don’t even like knowing..

Sigh…